Wednesday, May 13, 2009


My best friend has been my best friend for over 20 years. Throughout our time as friends she has been very judgemental of my life and periodically everyone else around her but her own. She would say things that wouldn't put me down but were less encouraging. She has other female friends and I know while they are together they chat it up about me. It doesn't really bother me but I know her friends don't like me because of things she has told them about me. When she has a gathering and I attend all of them look at me as if they know something that I have only told her. This has gone on for years and I brushed it off. I don't have any other female friends besides her so I figured that's what they do. I don't do it with her because that kind of conversation bores me.
Just recently I went through a terrible break up. My guy I was with for 10 years cheated on me and now has a baby with some four night stand. He didn't have a relationship with her, he just went to her house on four different occasions and slept with her. HINT: IF A GUY IS NOT SPENDING QUALITY TIME WITH YOU HE IS MARRIED OR WITH SOMEONE HE RATHER SPEND TIME WITH. YOU ARE JUST A F@#K. It had nothing to do with our sex life either. She stroked his ego and he lied to her about things he was doing like, in the studio making a hit song, or hanging out with bands, people and producing when he was home...LOL!! When you're with someone for 10 years you loose the wow factor unless they actually are doing something. It was hard for him to fulfill his dreams because they were unrealistic. For all those years all he did was talk about what he was going to do and like a good woman I stood by his side and said nothing and gave full support on every idea he ever had but there was no action. He got off on talking about it instead of doing it. He liked living in the dream instead of making the dream happen.
With this information and a broken heart I went to my best friend. She immediately started to tell me I should forgive him because people make mistakes. Then she went into how I could have been a better woman by not making him feel incompetent by becoming so overly successful and leaving him behind. She said black men need to feel like they are the man in the relationship and I was clearly wearing the pants because I made the money. I thought about what she was saying and felt like she was judging my situation and almost telling me in a way that I somehow deserve what I'm getting because I'm successful. I even took what she said and thought about it for a while. Why is it ok for a man to be successful and have the money but its my fault because I established myself before he did and now that gives him a pass to cheat and possibly bring me home a disease? How do you forgive something like that? Not to mention over the 10 years we were together, I had 5 miscarriages and at the time he presented me with this information I was four months pregnant with twins. The stress overwhelmed me and I lost both of the babies within a weeks time. I constantly thought about how he jeopardized our lives by sleeping with someone else. And after I lost the babies all I could think about is how we tried to have a baby and now he has a baby with this women who knew about me and the family we were trying to make. He had nerve to discuss our situation and me with this woman. I hear people say its not the females fault, but it is when they know about you. They are clearly not victims but more like accomplices in the crime of the broken heart. She listened to his bullshit about his life that I made happen for us and thought he was the one with all the money. She clearly felt stupid after my BMW was taken from him and he was left with his 1984 Honda Civi Hatchback and no place to go but home to his mummy. She later found out he had no job and no money and now she is left taking care of this baby alone because he has nothing to do with her or the child. So ladies, even if they are rolling in a BMW, make sure the pink slip is in his name.
I know you're asking WHY? Why did I stay with him when he had nothing? To me it had nothing to do with money but commitment. It would be wrong for me and hypercritical to leave him because he was still trying to follow his dreams when I had succeeded. We were together with nothing and I felt I wouldn't leave him because of it. I felt if I was up, so was he as long as we were committed to it, us and our relationship. If I were to leave him I wouldn't have been any better than a man who succeeded who leaves his wife or girl friend he has been with for years to date the next hot thing on the red carpet. Thats not me. And I loved him dearly. He was one of my best friends.
No one can truly understand this pain unless they go through it. Which brings me back to my friend. About four days ago she found out her hubby is cheating on her. She called me and cried. After 20 something years she has only seen me cry once and this was the first time in all the years I saw her cry. We are pretty tuff women and we have had some real serious things happen in both our lives. But this one thing was so devastating to us it brought out emotions we weren't use to. She wanted to kill, she wanted to find the girl, she wanted to resolve everything at that moment. I calmed her down and told her she would be fine. I looked at her and said, "At least he doesn't have a baby. There's a start." We both laughed and I told her, "I never wanted anyone but the bitch who put me through this to ever go through this pain." I was so upset at one point I wished and prayed for her and the baby to die. The pain of this is too great. I looked at my best friend, smiled and said, "Maybe you should take the advise you gave me and forgive him." She looked at me and said,"Are you trying to say something." I looked at her and said," You can't comment or judge someones situation on something you have yet to feel or experience can you?" She apologized and said there was no way she could have imagined the feeling.

The moral to this story is, DON'T JUDGE.
Wake up every morning and say, TODAY I SHALL NOT JUDGE
Or the next time you do, the experience of the judged can become your experience.