Thursday, April 30, 2009

Now I ain't sayin she a gold digger...

I've heard this term, gold digger alot and in the urban dictionary it is described as this:

Any woman whose primary interest in a relationship is material benefits. A woman who cares more about a man's bank account than she does about the man.

Now, since my freshman year of college, I've talked to alot of our black men about their views on women. It has interested me so much and has touched me on a deeper level then I could have imagined. A stigma black women have to come against is the Gold Digger syndrome. I've heard it many times, 'I don't date black women because they're gold diggers, they want this, they want that'. Now its time to break down this stigma.

The relationship between a male and female has always been this, the male provides and the female takes care of the home and children. In every culture, in almost all living animals on this big blue planet, that is the natural order, so I'm shocked when I hear our men saying a sister is a gold digger when she is looking to date a man that has 'something' When I get the female perspective of the situation, I'm surprised at what that 'something' is. I've had conversations with black women who say I want a man with a house. I'm sorry, what in Gods name is wrong with that? I want a man that has an education. Should she be burned at the stake for that? I want a man that makes more than me. What woman doesn't want that? Honestly. For decades we have watched our counterparts marry 80 year old millionaires, kiss their old crusty lips and pretend to be head over heels, are we really going to allow such a huge double standard? Seriously. The term gold digger was mentioned in the blog talk radio on I Date White as a reason not to date a black woman.

When looking for a serious mate, we aren't just looking to go out get our jollys and go home, we are thinking about the future. Thinking about rather or not we would want marriage or children, yes black women want to get married too. That is the point in dating. Thinking about where we will be when we are in our old age, so why would we not look for a provider? Yes I have my expectations, just like my white friends or my latina friends, and I have always looked for my expectations in the men I date. Thousands and thousands black women have been left by the fathers of their children, and they have been left to raise entire families alone. We have watched this for decades, we've watched fatherlessness get worse and worse instead of improving. Our marriage and divorce rates are embarrassing. We've watched the destruction of the black family. So when a young black woman is starting out on her dating journey, she has all this to think about. Setting expectations and having standards is crucial in her not becoming another statistic, so why is she a gold digger? These women aren't even looking for a millionaire, they are simply looking for a real man. Someone who will be there for the children, someone that will provide for their family, it sounds so simple, and yet it has been deemed so hard.

We as a people need to take a huge step back and look at the big picture. Any woman, no matter her race is looking at what you can provide, brother, believe it. We either see what you have now, or your potential, but you better believe if she's standing by your side it's not just because of your kool-aid smile, don't believe the hype. Would Reggie Bush be with Kim Kardasian if he was living in his grandmothers basement collecting food stamps (men get food stamps did you know that? healthy able bodied men) He wouldn't even be with her if he was working two jobs one at Wal-mart and one at McDonalds doing his best to get by, why? Because she has her standards and her expectations. Take away Kobe's MVP award, contracts, fame and fortune and watch this man have trouble getting a date. A man is still expected to be a man, even though women are working and bringing in the bacon. There is nothing wrong with looking for a mate that has something to bring to the table, never is that wrong. I ain't saying she a gold digger... I'm saying she's a woman.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Go Towards The White, Carol Ann

I date a lot. That's something that I didn't do ever in Kansas City. Apparently there just isn't a market for BBW's in Kansas City. However that dilemma was easily remedied with a short drive to St. Louis, Chicago or Dallas. This is how I ended up living in Dallas. Ever hear the saying "everything is bigger in TX?" Let me just say that the men show me plenty of love in TX, especially the white men. I am a firm believer in keeping a full stable of men. Each one of them brings a unique personality into my life. Some men I just date in between checks for a free meal.

Those are usually white guys. I have dated two actual cowboys and turned down dozens. I really like the Marlboro Man style but good heavens! I know that inter racial dating is still a foreign concept to African American or Latino women but it really shouldn't be. I have been on the other side of the fence when it comes to interracial dating. I will admit I was one of those sisters that sneered when I saw a brother out with a white women or a Latina. Then one dateless day I decided I was only hurting myself by refusing to expand my options. Don't get me wrong, I love brothers. I love a professional brother in a business suit with a briefcase. I love a blue collar brother with dirt under his nails and a name tag sewed on to his uniform. I love an "Imma be honest I'm the Weed Man" brother with cornrows and Nikes. I have a thing for brothers.

However, when you are making the decision to date outside your race you should consider some things, like what stereotype (hey some are based in truth) would you like to date? Will you feel comfortable if someone sneers at ya'll at the movies. Sometimes that does happen. Are you willing to be happy no matter what others think including yourself?

When you turn down a date based on some superficial quality you only hurt yourself. You could go from dateless to dating every night if you would only broaden your options. Which option will you choose?

Tomorrow's topic: Build-A-Boyfriend

Is the “Good Educated Black Man” taking advantage of the “Good Educated Black Woman?”

Okay, now a college degree does not mean everything, but as a person of color it helps. On a larger scale, people are people and education goes beyond degrees. However, I think some of these white collar professional black men are WAY too cocky in comparison to blue collar men or the so called “thugs”. I often feel as a woman they know that my situation could be seen as bleak if I ONLY want a black man. I often heard of many of these men saying “well I am not in jail” or “Don’t you know I am educated”. These men use phrases such as this to tell us “Educated Black Women” to bow down and take their orders and indiscretions. I have seen so many of these type of men do Black women wrong. I think we often overlook this because we have the bar set so low for Black women. We should just be happy he is not in jail! I mean do we not all want a man, a “Good” black man. Even more so, we “Good Black Women” often measure each other on our ability to “SNAG” one or “Catch” one. As a woman, it is hard to date or marry someone below your educational level. As a black woman we already have to deal with stereotypes that deem us as emasculating individuals that TEAR down the black man. I have dated men with college degrees or above, they had this attitude that because I have worked hard, I was above the requirement of chivalry. In other words, society has created the environment in which I have chosen to survive and accomplish; African American women have no choice but to do their best because we are unable to solely rely upon a man’s help. I did not choose that, but society has created this environment and this undercover condition for us. I mean a white woman that marries well made a responsible choice and a black woman who wants a good partner is a gold digger? However, when it comes to the male and female black relationship, I often think some “Good Educated Black Men” take this idea and run with it….they feel as though I should chase them or even more so, I should ask for less, and expect the basics, when other women of other races who are less accomplished should get the whole world given to them on their feet? I think this is why we see this so co called “Angry Black Woman” stereotype, she really is not the problem but society’s own admission on how we should just be a mule, a mule to even our own black man, we work hard but should always expect less. Would not anyone be angry when put into that type of cage? We work hard to expect less from black men? Am I wrong to say that some of us “ Educated Black People” are miseducated when it comes to how we should respect the black woman, even more so a black woman who obtained not just degrees but knowledge ? Why should she still be treated like a mule instead of a Queen?

These Celibacy Blues

   /ˈsɛləbəsi/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [sel-uh-buh-see] Show IPA
1. abstention from sexual relations.
2. abstention by vow from marriage: the celibacy of priests.
3. the state of being unmarried

To all my sisters out there who are going for the long haul, I'm talking about celibacy, this ones for you.

According to websters all us unmarried folks are celibant, according to modern days and time celibacy means we ain't gettin' any!

I chose to be celibant for several long years, and during this time, I went through a very evident transition. I had many moments of self reflection and my celibacy, I firmly believe, has led me to my current dating situation. I gained power. It allowed me to think. Think about the entire act of love, not just sex, but the entire act of actually loving someone. Often we as women can get love and sex confused, and that's where things fall apart. Living in Hollywood I see women every day that are so easy to bed, why would any man ever settle down and love any of them? During my celibacy I remember my mother's harping words, 'if he loves you he will wait' and you know what, it's true. Men have the ability to completely separate themselves from sex and love, some women have this ability too but many don't (hence movies like fatal attraction and obsessed are born, art imitates life)

I discovered love has different layers, and sometimes the lines can be blurred. Sex is only 1 part of love, and I've discovered through my celibacy it is a part of love that is so easy to take and manipulate, after a while it won't mean anything. Anyone can have sex, but there are people out there who literally cannot fall in love. Celibacy can help you separate the layers of love and lead you to a more fulfilling relationship. Also we as women don't realize what we have, we have what men want! They need us ladies, literally they need us. If we realize this, we won't allowed ourselves to be played over and over again.

How to get over the Celibacy Blues

Celibacy is a personal journey, that many religions believe will reveal a new part of our spiritual selves. If you are taking this journey, meditate, pray, and think about the past experiences that have led you to this point. And use this moment in your life to regain your sexual power. Practicing Yoga is a great way to get in touch with a new layer of your own personal being. Make a goal for yourself in your dating life, to raise the bar both for yourself and for the man you date. Think about your future and where you want to be and what you need to do to get yourself there. Without sex to muddle your mind, you now have time to really think and improve your life. And when your celibacy ends, that man better watch out! lol.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The male on/off switch

Is it just me or does it seem like men have the capacity to just “change” their feelings over night? I have had this discussion with my friends several times. How can you be in a relationship with someone, as women are deeply and whole heartedly in love, they (men) say they love us to, we mean the world to them and then the breakup happens and all that “love” just disappears. Its like, not only do they created with this Y chromosome but they also are built with the feeling on/off switch. They are all about you one moment and the next it’s like the relationship never existed. You used to talk to each other in one form or the other everyday for like 2 years. You laugh, cried, argued .. You felt secure in not only their words but their actions. You knew in your heart that you meant the world to them, and they the same to you and then poof.. It’s all over.
You are watching reruns of the lifetime network movies, still in your pj’s from 2 days ago, crying with your girlfriend over bottles and bottles of chardonnay, and trying to desperately figure out what went wrong. They are out with their boys picking up the next soon to be ex girlfriend. Your clutching your pillow at night running your entire relationship through your head while their clutching Lisa, Tianna or Michelle.
Even thought, somewhere in your broken feelings we know the relationship may or even should be over but we still carry those feelings for the ex, where has he some how has “flipped the switch” and embraced his new found world of singldom.
Now, I know .. in this day an age after all we have been through we are stronger, smarter and not so boo hoo over men, but we do have our moments, and wouldn’t it be great to be on equal an equal “feeling” field when it comes to breakups.. You can’t tell me it wouldn’t be great to have one of those switches … can you???

Control over Compromise??

Although our child together is almost 2 years old we have only been together, together for 8 months.. I know, kinda backwards but that happens to be how these cards were dealt. We have had several ups and downs.. Truth be told more downs then ups but I get the feeling it’s the sign of future things to come. I believe that there will be arguments in any healthy relationship which is where the need to compromise comes in however; Mighty Mouth believes he is the ruler of this domain and his way is always the right way.. I am older than he is .. 6 years actually so maybe that is where my understanding comes in, through age and experience?? So our latest argument is the idea that I feel he needs to be much more of a hands on father, diaper changes, walks in the park, and just being around when his child wakes up in the morning, he believes money is all power and needs to be made at all cost to secure the future for his children.. Yeah there are more then one… but the absentness of being a “dad” is missing and I see it in our child eyes every time he calls for his daddy…. I have tried to explain to him that personal time is so much more important then the material things money can buy, He has decided that his child will not live “without” enormous amounts of financial wealth and I must accept that this is who he is and what he is going to do.. which has caused this argument to spill over into anger. and resentment.. and now.. non speaking terms.. I have tried to reach out, tried to find a compromise however his obsession with control has caused all communication to be put on hold until further notice..He just stopped calling, no text, no email, and when I reach out I’m sent straight to voice mail like a child sent to the corner.. WTF??? I’m a grown woman..

Why are some men and women so far apart on the idea of what is best for a child, and why do some men feel that money will provide a stable and healthy relationship with their children and on another note why do men feel they need to be more of a Father to their women and not their children??

Monday, April 27, 2009

"The Unofficial Girl"

I am not going to say this is exactly why young woman are single still. But I will say is that we continue to settle and become the "unofficial" girl, rebound, or "the other woman". The "unofficial girl" is when we try to get the to see that were trying to be there main chick and not just someone they share intimacy with. We want to see them exclusively. The "Rebound girl" and "other woman" are pretty much the same thing. We are always put 2nd and we are never going to be the girlfriend nor do we sometimes ask to be the girlfriend. [Woman who are never given a title and continues to stick around while the man that she might like sleeps with other woman.]But he has you because your always there, we give them whatever we want and the relationship never moves forward it just stays the same. A problem with this is that woman actually believe the man is going to eventually leave his long term relationship. & most of the time he is not. Than there are woman out there who don't care and just want to have sex regardless if the man is already committed or not. Instead of giving the woman respect they look at it like this " Its not my fault hes not happy in the relationship...obviously she can't take care of her man otherwise he wouldn't be calling me". Another reason woman choose to be the rebound could be a self-esteem issue. Especially if they don't have a man themselves, woman will mess around with someone Else's man because they feel they can't do better. This leads single woman to be the "unofficial girl", "Rebound girl", & "The other woman".

Prince Charming

We can't have a blog about African American relationships without touching on interracial dating. Within our community more than any other race, interracial dating is a hot topic (we will explain the reason why when we go back through the journey) But for this posting, I want to speak to all the sisters who are considering interracial dating.

9 times out of 10, when a black woman is dating interracially, there is a set reason behind her decision. A lot of the times we don't have the luxury of saying 'it just happened, we fell in love and it has nothing to do with race' Real talk, the majority of African Americans dating interracially have made a conscious decision, and we know it. So, sister, you've decided to open your world and date outside your race. First let me start off by saying you have made a great decision, by not limiting your choices for love. The taboo relationship between the black woman and the white man has in recent years come to the forefront of our community. We see more and more happy interracial couples married, raising families, and living life to the fullest.

To start your journey through interracial dating I would suggest starting with self reflection. Coming to this decision is often out of reaching a boiling point. Settle down, dating someone new while being angry at a race of men will eventually hinder your new relationship. When you enter the interracial dating world, you still have a responsibility to represent and educate the family of your chosen lover on your race. You will be entering the acceptance ring. When you get to the point of meeting the parents, there will be some pre-conceived notions about you that you will hopefully prove wrong. I have seen black women who bash their race when they begin dating interracially, remember you're dating because of love, not hate. If you constantly see your new relationship as a color issue, that will also hinder your ability to fall completely in love. I will admit, I am more aware of being black when I'm the only one in the crowd, but I also remember we are all human, when you take away the outer layer we really are all the same. We as humans want the same thing, happiness. The human experience may vary because of race, but that is something people have MADE and issue, if we'd just accept each other as people the world would be oh so different. But I digress. You're dating interacially and there are things you will probably need to over come so that you can completely slip into your happiness.

For many years, black woman have been almost single handily been responsible for carrying on the black race. So when we decide to date interracially we tend to feel as though we are betraying our race. There is nothing wrong with wanting a dedicated mate, someone you can grow old with, and if your situation has not given you that through your own race please don't feel afraid to open your world. And by situation I mean work, where you live, your expectations for your mate, etc. Online dating sites such as Afro Romance, specialize in connecting black women with interracial relationships. I personally have found men of other races have no problem approaching me, even being pretty bold. It has been my own personal decision to ignore the advances. So that's why I say, personal reflection will be needed so that you do not have any personal issues interfering your new relationships.

I'd like to hear some of your opinions on dating interracially, how has it effected you and your search for happiness.

Happy Dating!

The Blame Game

I've had many discussions with men and women about our experiences and how we got to where we are right now. And let me start off by saying there are plenty of beautiful families out there, supporting each other, loving each other. When things go wrong, no one wants to take the blame, its a natural part of our existence. Have you ever seen a toddler lie? Seeing such a young being do something so naturally is amazing. It seems to be embedded in us to keep a squeaky clean slate no matter the cost.

The current situation between the black man and black woman relationship has a long history, and whenever there is a question as to why black men do this or black women do that, there is a huge part of the spectrum that is forgotten. So as a part of this series, we will be taking you back, through our history starting with our African Ancestors and taking you through the complete journey of the black family. It is important before fingers are pointed, before opinions are dismissed and facts are stated that we all know where we came from and that we all know that there cannot be a reaction without there first being action.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Looks can be deceiving

Sisters, have you ever been standing in a public place and have heard these words, "Smile, you look so angry" Or had a co-worker admit they fear you? In the past things like this would make me angry. But as I get older, my blood tends to boil less. Mainly because the simple fact is I don't have a chip to carry. Why should I be angry knowing what my ancestors went through. Hearing the stories my grandmother told me of abuse in the home and racial abuse she endured out side the home. Thinking about how my great grandparents weren't allowed to go to school and died not being able to read and here I am with a degree and a career at 25, who am I to be so angry? In retrospect, yes I have been disrespected, I'm even a victim of abuse, but I still maintain a smile and a demeanor that I hope reads 'You can't run over me, but you can run to me' I love helping other people, volunteering, and giving back. So when I'm accosted by another person I take a step back. Think, and unless hands are placed (I still have my limits) I'm able to walk away, because I know that in my life I get what I give.

Now, sharing my outlook on life with you, I will say this. There is an unforgiving prejudice against black women. Yup I said it. I've been accused of being boiling hot with anger while simply waiting for a cup of coffee. Those words "smile, don't look so mad!" Now that makes me mad. I'm not angry, and I'm just standing, do I really need to look like the Cheshire cat 24 hours a day? Really? I've been called a Bitch at work, by my boss! And I didn't say a word, now is that something a bitch would do? These were the words "oh, she can handle the job, she's good at being the bitch." Now I had several choices, and I chose to say "ok" I nodded my head at the extremely misguided compliment (some people just don't listen to themselves when they talk) and making it a personal goal to start my own company and succeed so I wouldn't have to deal with things like this. I've had my white counterparts, to my face, say "we're scared of you" or "don't mess with her" in that tone that says, 'she's a loose cannon, god only knows what she will do'. Now people, is that fair? I mean really. I don't go up to a white women and say "oh my god, let me read that for you, I know you're a dumb blond" I wouldn’t say to my co worker "woah, I don't mess with Bob, he might put me into slavery" Now, in my personal experience, when people of other races are backed into a corner, with ignorant alienating comments, and they defend themselves they get a pat on the back. But when a woman like myself even answers back, it’s considered violent and angry. I find myself compromising my own integrity just so I'm not stereotyped. When I have the right to speak on something, I'm completely in a place to voice my opinion, I stifle myself, just so my coworkers don't fear me, or that brother in public doesn't look at me with that "that’s why I wouldn't date someone like you" stare. Let anyone else do the exact same thing and it is completely acceptable, in fact they might just get a promotion or a wedding ring.

I've never raised my hand in violence. I don't raise my voice, and I enjoy a rational conversation where conflict is resolved, perhaps if you had just assumed I'm a human being, and not some angry Tasmanian devil, you might have known that. I'd give the shirt off my back, and I have, and I personally know hundreds of women who look just like me who would do the same. So before you go up to that sister who's standing in line doing nothing, saying nothing, before you assume she's angry and tell her to smile, why don't you say "Hi."

"Keeping it Real"

I don't like knocking anyone down because I know I am not perfect. "I act like lady and yet I think like a man. " [very good book]. Well it seems to me that I am able to hold better conversations with older men than I can with men my own age. Why? I guess older men are more mature and they know where I am coming from. When I try and have a nice conversation with one of my peers, I find out that the conversation doesn't get too far and becomes quiet. Why? Is it because they are scatter brained and all they are thinking about is what my body would look like if my clothes were off? I can barely keep eye contact, so that means two things one they aren't interested and they are just having a conversation so that i can give them my number or two they hear everything I am saying but are not looking into my eyes because it's too personal and uncomfortable? Another thing that I have noticed is that my peers are not gentlemen. I hear my peers picking up young woman by saying words like "A", "Baby" "Hey" "You over there" "Hey girl". But I hear "excuse me miss" back when I was eighteen when R&B gave them a little bit of pick up lines to young girls. Now, they don't even use pick up they say "A". "What's yo Name". Overreacting? Maybe? Keeping it real... always.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Why do black men date white women? Blog talk radio

I found this radio show and felt I should share it.

This will be part one of the series in this big pink elephant in the room.

Why do black men date white women? This common and controversial topic will be discussed by Eathan and his guest, life coach, Cathy Hill. This will be a great discussion for everyone.

He plays a long song in the beginning, but once you get past the song its an interesting take on the topic.

My love must be a revolving door

So it seems like once in a blue moon (more like several times a year) someone in my past will try to come back in full effect. Now grant it that's how I got into my current relationship, but my god they come back and basically start off mid sentence. It's hilarious. The same thing is happening to my best friend, and she's in a relationship with a jealous man, so this might not turn out to be too hilarious for her. Then I asked myself, why is that? Why do they come back and try again? Why didn't they just make it work from the beginning, instead of me now telling you 'no, I've moved on, I have someone else' three years later we could've been together, and now you bring about the 'what if' questions. I'll give an example of a revolving door love. A guy I had a crush on in high school, a stare at you write hearts around your name crush didn't give me the time of day. Then my sophomore year of college he basically showed up on my door step. I thought we were finally going to get something started, and we did (silly me jumping into the bed before I knew the full story) two days after we hook up he tells me he has a girlfriend (and that's the moment I learned it is apparently our sole responsibility to ask that question or else that information becomes invalid and unrelated to what we are doing between the sheets)So needless to say I always ask first, lesson learned. After he tells me this I stop talking to him and respect his relationship. Now nearly four years later, here we go again. Tracking me down (thanks to social networking) And he's trying to start anew, but my relationship isn't receiving the same respect. I have found myself telling a couple of past friends, lovers, and more, my love isn't a revolving door. I'm sorry, but you missed the boat. I think we so often rush into and out of things, physical or other wise, and we don't stop to think, hey I might want more from this person, or that we are making a mistake. Sorry to say, the last repeat lover has made his way into my life and the revolving door is closed. If you're thinking about trying to rekindle that old flame, take a second and ask yourself why. Why didn't it work in the beginning and in what ways have I grown and changed that would make this time around different and worth his/her time?

I know life is short, but when it comes to your relationship and the person you want to be with, time seems to stop. Think about what you're doing before you attempt to get back in that persons life.

Economic dating

Ok, so as we all know dating isn't what it used to be. Partly because most people in this country are trying to pinch a penny any way they can. So how can we as ladies help contribute and understand the though economic times when it comes to dating?

The almighty dollar has fallen gracefully and in its decline many people have felt the effects. Here in Los Angeles and California in general we are seeing a trend called tent cities. The middle class are now living in shanty's on the streets. I personally never thought I'd see something like this in my lifetime. One of the largest effects this economy can have on people is on relationships. As tensions rise and expectations aren't met, men and women are at each others throats. Happily married couples are seeing their foundations sink because they based it on money. So how can dating still be a great adventure without it turning into another causality of the dollar?

I've had this happen and I'm sure you have too. We meet a guy, and then comes the question for the first date. Your wish, a nice dinner for two at a restaurant you've never been to, a trip on a boat to his private island, a helicopter ride to another country for breakfast (ok maybe not that wild, but we want the first date to be memorable) His suggestion, come over to my place for a dvd you've probably seen already and hopefully sex. (well, they don't mention the sex, but ladies, we all know better) We take what we can get, or leave it all together, going to his place, being bored, watching the dvd, feeling the premature moves coming on, and before the second date you've broken up. Whenever I'm asked to come over a new man's home I think, I have a home, I don't want to see yours I want to go out, otherwise I'd just stay where I'm paying rent. Not might sound very teamplayerish but courtship is supposed to involve getting to know each other and doing various activities (at least that's what they do in the movies, and my dreams) If he's really into you and will respect your wish for a real date, but you can help the situation by letting him know its okay to try to save a dollar, don't be afraid to make suggestions as to what you want to do. And don't be afraid to let him know, hey these activities aren't an expensive fancy dinner, they are a way for us to get to know each other. I've suggested to a guy taking me the museum, or to the conservatory. You might suggest a picnic on the beach where you both bring a food item you think the other will love (a little guessing game) or a hike. Make these suggestions then tell him to surprise you, get his wheels turning. Dating has become so mindless there aren't a lot of happy creative stories to share anymore. More than likely he'll appreciate you for going for an alternate date, which will probably turn out to be more fun and adventurous than the dinner and a movie route. And you can save the dvd and the extras for later in your relationship.

The lesson: don't be afraid to make a suggestion. Tell me what you think.

Monday, April 20, 2009

All I need in this life of sin...

Life's circles can be amusing sometimes. Living in such a large city, I never realized how small MY world is. I've got a bff, I've known since we were 5, my small family circle, and my group of ride or die girlfriends I'd trust to the fullest (thats a very small number, lol) I'm definitely a Bonnie, but without a Clyde. Not that I'd stand by my man yielding a gun and joining him in an untimely death (I'll stay by your side within reason, lol) But getting to an age where I finally realize maybe I'd like to have someone that's just 'there'. Someone who knows me and cares. I'm a diva housewife, meaning I can hold my own, I hustle and I've taken care of myself, but I treat my man like a king and take care of the household in an instant (if he deserves it) But it seems, as I get older, day by day, my Clyde isn't out there. What do I do? Watching the clock tick I sit at work thinking about my options, my expectations and standards and I start shaving away. Ok, maybe he doesn't have to be college educated... I have a car maybe we can share it. Then I slap myself, what on earth would my mother say? I was taught to know what I want and expect nothing less. I look at what I've accomplished, where I am and where I'd like to be, and I realize I'm not just looking for a man, I'm looking for someone to share my journey. You can't share a journey going east with someone who's going west, so I sit at my desk at work, thinking about my expectations and standards, and I've decided to sick by them, because I realize I'm not asking much when I ask for my Clyde.

If you lie down with dogs, you'll come up with fleas. That saying has never been more true than before I started dating. A woman will mold her entire being around a man. Give him her energy and time, without realizing the feeling isn't mutual. Love yourself, and others will have no choice but to love you back. Expect the best out of everyone in your life, and never settle for less.

The Obama Effect

Of course we all know, our president is African American. His successful election has had an impact on the black community like no other. The sense of pride and the need for change has every race looking to better themselves. Women all across the world swoon at our leaders smile, wish Michelle would write a book on how to snag a man like this one, and swell up when we see how much he loves and adores his children.

What effect will the first family being African American have on us? Well, I don't know how much of a difference will come about, but my hopes are we take a more mature look at the relationships between the black male and female. See the importance of family planning, and keeping a family together, or being civil when that is not an option. I myself have grown up sans a father, or any fatherly figure in my life. I'm one of thousands, millions of men and women who have not had the positive influence of a man on their lives. Knowing that we lead by example, I've made the decision to do everything within my power to make sure my children have a father in their lives.

Of course we can't predict the future, but we can mold our lives by making good decisions and taking a step back to think before we react. We all make mistakes, but it's never too late to build a bridge. That is my hope for the Obama effect. Our village will build a bridge between male and female relationships. Raise our children with a sense of pride. I would love to see every black man who has a child with their picture in their wallet, showing it off with a smile. In a relationship we take the time to work together, understand eachother, cherish eachother and more importantly, don't sweat the small stuff. My hope for the Obama effect is to see our men rise, our women lift their voices, and our children follow in our footsteps with pride.

"You already know"

I laugh when I think about this. Because men really tell on themselves and don't even be knowing it. I recently had been talking to someone over the phone. Him and I talked before. Let's say a year ago but I stopped talking to him for whatever reason. Now recently went had been calling each other babe. Now this could mean nothing of course but that was in till he came out and expressed the L word. I told him you do not love me and when we get off this phone you might want to rethink what you just said or you might regret saying it. Because I am no fool. So after that he still kept calling nothing changed too much. However I had called him and was asking about a neighborhood because I was going to be attending a party and I wanted to make sure the area was safe. He knew more about it than I did. I told him I would call him back, but he responded and said I am not going to be able to respond. & I asked How come? He replied and said because I am at a hotel room and I am drinking. When he said a HO-TEL I already knew what that meant but I did not let his foolish ways and immature acts get the best of me so I joked and called him a Hoe. Well he smiled through the phone and said " You already know". Now what do I already know? He than told me he loved me and he would call me later. Um, hello! That was very ah...what do you call it? Stupid. There is no other word for it. He completely told on himself and said I love you when he was done. How is it that men can actually love someone and still sleep with other woman. Why? Because it's just sex, he doesn't love these woman he is sleeping with but he continues to do it and want me to be there in the process. I always tell a guy when I meet them to be real and not play games. But when men have no standards or shame. It's like you can't even get mad because they told you how they are from the beginning and they stay that way in the the end. The question is how many of us will put up with it?

Huh? I love you?

Last night was another eventful night as I found myself hanging out at the Aroma Coffee and Tea spot in Studio City sitting next to a wonderful successful man from London. Once again I resorted to the Internet in hopes to find someone who can tickle my fancy.

First he asked what kind of tea I wanted and I said, "A Chi Latte." He brought it out with his order of cake, tea, and a jerk chicken wrap. I have been on a 1500 calorie diet because summer is coming up and I have to get this body together so when I saw him with his food I was OK but disappointed that he didn't even offer to, one get me something, or two ask me if I wanted to get myself something. We sat down to him having dinner and me sipping on a Latte. That right there told me he wasn't use to being out with a woman. I don't know if everyone does this but I have men on a point system. They start off as a 10 no matter what they look like or how successful or unsuccessful they are. They could either gain points or lose them. With this action he quickly dropped to a 5. Our conversation went well, we started talking about our experiences on these dating sites and how we ran into people who lied about who they are and even put up pictures that were either of them over 20 years ago, 60 pound lighter or pictures they photo shopped. I made sure to tell him how men assume that I would have sex with them just because I appear to be having a good time. He immediately jumped to the defense of the ladies and said, "I can't believe men would do that. What Wankers they are." This made me feel excited and happy that I finally got someone who understood that I was not out to sleep with a man on the first date and would respect me for it. As our conversation went further and we got a bit more comfy with each other he felt it was OK for him to ask some personal questions. He went from asking me about my son to asking me what is my favorite sexual position and then referred to my lips stating they look like they would look good wrapped around his c%&k. I then became defensive and said, "I don't think that is a proper question to ask someone or a proper comment to make on a first meeting." He then apologized and I went on to talk about something else. He then tried to manipulate me by saying, "You are really uptight. I like you but you make me nervous." I looked at him and gave him a grin and said, "Well I think its time for me to go." He stood up and said he would walk me to my car. I smiled and said fine. As we got to my car he said, "I wish you would loosen up. You seem really direct and uptight." I started my car and waved good bye. He then text me asking if I made it home safe. I text back and said yes and thank you. He then text me back, stating he didn't think we would be a good match. I sent him a message back and said I was thinking the same thing and I wished him well. He then started to text me cursing me, calling me a stupid cunt idiot and a f-ing trollop. All morning he text me these vulgar texts and around 3:19am he wrote: I love that you don't respond. You are a true classy woman. Lets start over. I love you.

The moral to this story is: In some situations the words I love you are just words.

Never assume just because a guy can hold a conversation or because he is a well known producer in his field at the moment, means he is sane. Internet dating is for the brave and adventurous ones. Be careful.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

myspace and facebook can kill the love

Knowledge is key

We all know how big social networking can be for our daily lives. I personally am on everything I can think of; Myspace, Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, I even still have my Black Planet Page (ya'll remember that one?) I recently realized how it can also be a killer to a relationship. There are millions of stories about the Myspace breakup, or the Facebook stalker. I've had friends and acquaintances tell me wild stories of wonderful men leading a double life virtually.

How much should social networking affect our relationships? In alot of cases they have both started and ended something wonderful. From my new experience, it can definitely be a killer. Imagine walking into your loves home, and seeing smiling photos of him and his ex posted on the walls, sitting on the coffee table, hanging from his keychain, lol. How would this make you feel? Men (some, ok 95%) have not figured out what social networking sites are for. I'm talking to the fellas now, MEN HEY LISTEN UP, they are a presentation of your life. They are you saying to millions of people "This is who I am" And it seems you haven’t figured out that your girlfriend will be watching this activity, it's our newly gifted nature (thanks Tom from myspace). Social networking's effects on a relationship can make a person feel slighted, jilted, bamboozled, and stupid because it seems so petty, but again it is a presentation to the world. So I for one am not afraid to look at someone's presentation and make a decision. We do it everyday, rather we are hiring someone or being hired, searching for a new doctor, or someone to take care of our car, we now look to the web to tell us rather or not we should go in a certain direction.

My recent experience has bought me to a place where I'm in two different relationships, the one in person and the one online. Not sure what to do but wanting the best, I confronted the situation and stated my feelings... it hasn't worked yet. I now realize the many dimensions to a relationship, and how careful one needs to be to make another person happy, but if you truly love that person minor adjustments (like the removal of couple’s photos from a public site) shouldn't be too hard to compromise about. This is just one SBF's opinion, but social networking pages are basically an open book, it’s the easiest way to see into someone’s life, and it’s the most power we have as individuals over how people perceive us. So ladies, if you're logging in, don't feel silly for taking his presentation seriously, because this is his own virtual way of telling you how much he cares.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

What is The Right Age To Settle Down?

When I tell people I am ready to settle down. They ask me how old I am, and they laugh and tell me that I am still a baby that I haven't went through any thing. But what do people mean by I haven't went through anything. I'm twenty years old and I feel like I've been through a lot these past couple of years. I've done the dating, I've done the 6 month inch, the year and two year relationship. Why do I feel like settling down? I guess I feel I don't want to have kids in my thirties I don't even want to get married in my thirties. I feel that is too old for me to have kids and raise them till I'm fifty. Older man and woman tell me I have a lot of growing up to do. I don't see it that way. In today's society men and woman my age are having babies in their early teens. Getting married when they turn eighteen. Having different baby daddies and baby mommas. It's ridiculous that is not going to be me. But it's hard nowadays to actually find someone who is around my age and mature enough to want to be in a committed relationship. Some of these young men are very disrespectful and unfortunately not well educated enough to even pick up a book and read. They are caught up in what's hot, how many woman they can sleep with, and how much money they make. I am not downing any of my peers because right now money is what makes the world go round. But I will say it's hard to actually find someone who is real. There are a lot of perpetrators and pretenders out here. I guess I am getting ahead of myself. Wanting to figure out how this came about. I wonder still... What is the right age to settle down?

My Young Black Brothers

I am 31 and recently dating again. After my divorce I was hesitant on meeting and going out with anyone in fear I was going to attract the same man again. I wasn’t secure in myself and I thought my judgment in men had been altered by my divorce experience.
The first man I spoke with was a gorgeous black sensual man who stood 6’7. My G-d he had me calling him daddy with just his presence. Let me tell you ladies, he knew exactly what to say and how to say it. He was the perfect gentlemen. Every time he kissed me he made my legs quiver and my heart felt the tingles. Remember the tingles? He made me feel like he could tell me anything and I would drop to my knees and say, “Okay, whatever you say, Daddy.” We kept our relationship going for about 9 months. In those 9 months we saw each other about 5 times because he was a Navy Chief and was stationed on a ship. We eventually met up again for the 6th time and after 90 emails, in San Diego CA. My divorce had become final and that’s when I found out the truth. He said, “You are an amazing woman in which is why I have to tell you the truth. I am not ready for what you are willing to give me. The love you exude should be given to someone who has the ability to take it. Right now I’m not that man. I’m still married to my wife. And I told you I have two children but in actuality, I have three.” Imagine my surprise. It took me about 2 months to get over this and out on the dating scene again.
This time I decided to go a new route. I put up a profile on a dating site. It was cool. I got about 100 emails a day from various guys but one in particular caught my eye, another gorgeous black man, who this time only stood at 6’4. Once again I screamed out, “DAMN DADDY.” And I proceeded to send him a message. I said something like, “Wouldn’t it be nice to take a walk in the rain?” I saw his profile said he was an artist and I just wrote something that I like to do as I am an artist as well. He emailed me back right away and said, “Yes.” From that point on we were inseparable. He was an amazing artist, amazing looking, and he made me happy. Two months with this guy felt like two years. We went through almost all the stages of a long term relationship in the matter of weeks. But it was good. I, being as old as I am, didn’t let my feelings get involved to the point where if it didn’t happen I would be damaged. I’m at that point in my life where I understand that people are on their own paths and if your paths cross you have to see if both your paths are leading in the same direction or if they are just crossing. We were at that point. We both wanted to take it further. He already met my parents but now it was time for me to meet “THE MOTHER.” If you aren’t a Native Black American person reading this, and have never dated a Native Black American Man, then you won’t know what I mean when I say meet “THE MOTHER.” Meeting a black mans mother is a very delicate situation because these woman adore their young successful black men and will sniff out a gold digger, manipulator, and or a psycho chick from a distance. I of course had nothing to worry about in those areas so I felt really confident. The day came for me to meet his family. I was nervous but I got out the car. I stood there for a minute but I eventually went up the stairs after 20 minutes of him coaching me telling me everything was going to be ok. As we were walking up the stairs to his mothers place he said, “Oh my sister is here.” At this time I felt like I was going to faint. Now I had two black women who were potentially going to attack and drill me on my life and intentions. GREAT! As we walked to the door he pulled out his key. HE PULLED OUT HIS KEY! He still has a key to his mother’s house. I thought this in my head as I was imagining him going to her house making sure she had groceries and leaving her nice little notes say, “I love you mommy.”, on them. As we walked in I held my head up high only to bump into his brother. I stood there in shock and he said, “Oh, I didn’t know you guys would be here too. Hey babe, this is my brother, his wife and three kids.” To my surprise it was the guy who wooed me for 9 months only to tell me he was still married. I collected myself as he looked at me and took his pointed finger and put it to his mouth to shish me. I went on to introduce myself to his wife, who looked very similar to me. She seemed to be very nice and even said I was as beautiful as my boy described me. At this time I was going in circles. I felt sick and excused myself to the restroom. My boy walked to show me where it was and I grabbed his arm and told him we had to leave. He said, “Why.” I said, “Remember the guy I told you about who broke my heart when he told me he was married. Well, it’s your brother.” He looked at me, took my hand and we walked out. We got in my car and I started to cry and then laugh because I couldn’t believe my luck. I had just possibly met the man I would spend the rest of my life with and I shagged his brother. I mean really shagged.
After all was said and all was done we decided it wasn’t going to work. His mother always told them never to let a woman come between them and because they both loved me we all decided to go our separate ways.

The moral to this story is. Know everything about the person before you shag them. And make sure if you shag brothers, it’s at the same time.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Can I buy you a drink?

The other day I had the most cliche/cute thing happen to me. A man sent me a drink from the other side of the bar. I felt like a woman in the movies, glamorous and wanted. This man was interested in getting to know me! And he showed it. Grant it at the time he saw me drinking I was taking a sip of my friends cucumber martini, which I really didn't favor the taste and it made me want to vomit a little. But when the bartender bought me over HIS cucumber martini, it suddenly tasted a little sweeter. I asked myself, why is that?Is it because he sent it over just as he saw another man trying to talk to me, as a sort of way of saying 'that's my woman', or is it because it was a free drink and they were about 12 bucks a pop (since money has been tight I now find myself on a one drink minimum, and that's not by choice) I think it's because most women simply want to be wanted. That feeling of being desired from afar is especially exciting. He was watching me, and I now knew it.

Anyway, we talked, and he's a very sweet guy, as he watched me force myself to drink the martini, we made small talk and got into a conversation as best we could in a loud, dark bar. But I knew pretty fast this would never go anywhere. During the dating process I'm sure you've hit the "bar scene", attended a few mixers, dressed to a T, following your girls, hoping to have a drink sent over to you. And when it happens... what next? Have you ever had the man who buys a drink and suddenly you feel like you said your vows? By the end of the night he's going to want you in the kitchen barefoot and pregnant in the morning. By the end of the conversation, we'd resorted to talking about sex, naturally, and even though he knew I have a fella (that's one of the first things that comes out of my mouth, which seems to be a turn on to most men rather than a stopping point) he still had to see if he could get in where he fit in. Even sharing a lewd photo of himself on his phone (I know I know, I asked the same thing, you just happen to have that waiting, in case you met the right d#@k hungry broad? Do all men have a peeper pic on their phone, just in case?) And I thought to myself "woah, how did we get here?" Apparently based on my astrological sign I'm good to go anywhere, any time with anyone (someone forgot to tell me this) The conversation turned so fast, I was blindsided by the peeper pic. The you owe me mentality after buying a drink, or dinner, or a cheeseburger at McDonalds has always baffled me. And the assumption that I'd want to see his ummm, you know, after knowing him for 10 minutes was fasinating. But again, I had accepted his drink, and for about 9 minutes, before he showed me the picture, I felt lik a glamorous movie star, wanted in every way.

Going to the bar can be risky behavior, especially if you're looking for a long term relationship. We've come a long way from the shy 'do you want to dance?' 'would you like to have dinner?' 'go to the park?' days. But remember to keep your cool, and to keep the conversation as far away from sex as possible. And if he refuses not to go that route, kindly walk away, his drink in tow. All I can say is I've come out with an interesting story to tell, although I wish I could wash the vision out of my brain, lol.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Surviving Singledom

Hello, welcome to the blog. My hopes and dreams for this virtual version of our thoughts, secrets, hopes and fears, is to come through a journey that has a deeper effect on our sisterhood... BEING THE SINGLE BLACK WOMAN

here are some quick stats
  • Black males and females are more likely to be unmarried than Whites, Hispanics, or American Indian/Alaskan Natives (AIAN) (42.2% for males, 40.8% for females, compared to 27.5% and 21.2% respectively for Whites, 38.2% and 30.3% for Hispanics, and 35.7% ad 29.9% for AIAN ).(ACS 2002)
  • Black individuals are far more likely than Whites and Hispanics to be divorced (in 2002, 9.4% of Black males were divorced, and 13.3% of Black females versus 9.1 % and 11.3% respectively for Whites and 5.9% and 9.3% for Hispanics). (ACS 2002)
  • Among married Black individuals, a greater percentage is living apart from their spouses than among married White and AIAN individuals (15.7% for Black males, 24.1% for Black females, versus 5.3% and 6.3% respectively for Whites and 11.1% and 12.8% for AIAN). Only Hispanics have a higher rate of living apart from their spouse than do Blacks – 16.2% for males and 16.9% for females (in many cases this may be due to immigration complications). (ACS 2002)
  • Black families are less likely to contain a married couple than all other groups (46.0% versus 81.0%). White families have an 81% chance of containing a married couple, AIAN families have a 67% chance, and Hispanics have a 67.4% chance. (Census 2000)
  • Single male-headed families are slightly more likely in Black homes than in White family homes (about 8.5% versus 5.3% for whites.). Hispanics and AIANs have a higher rate of single male headed families (10.3% and 10.4% respectively). (Census 2000)
  • Single female-headed families are far more likely in Black homes than in all other groups' homes (45.4% versus 13.7%). By contrast, Whites have a 13.7% rate, AIANs have a 28.8% rate, and Hispanics have a 22.3% rate of single female headed families. (Census 2000)
  • Only 44.9% of Black householders in family households live with a spouse. This compares with 80.6% for Whites, 60.1% for AIAN, and 70.2% for Hispanics. (Census 2000)

Grant it, we need another census - 2010's census might show some improvements in our situation.

Basically, what this place is, is a place to vent, agree or disagree, and ultimately have a deeper understanding and love for ourselves. Welcome to Table for One