MARRIED FOLK VERSUS SINGLE FOLK GREATEST DEBATE OF ALL TIME

Ok, now I am so not the expert on this because I have never been married before. However, I am at that age where I am taking some better applications now. I notice though that some people that I knew once, became married and kind of morphed into fred and wilma flinstone, or Lucy and Ricky, Ike and Tina, I mean whatever you call it, something happens where I wonder, hey what happened to those folks. Most of all, I become the evil SINGLE person, the person who is so low down, that I do not have a ring on my finger. You better watch out because I will come like a thief in the night to steal all your men!!! HAHAHAHA, I am the single woman. Now, if you go to a dinner party, do not be the only single woman there, better yet WTF do married folks talk about, it is some boring you know what. Sometimes I feel like some married people all share the same talking points, like they are all from the same political campaign! Even more, married folks begin to compare houses, vacations, kids student achievement , jeez louis I am almost scared to step into the world, but maybe I am being ignorant. Now single people, well I am not that either.....single people in Los Angeles most of the time want single sex, break your heart, use you, and then laugh about that shit at a bar ! even more in the single world, we always have to say " hey this is not serious", or " we are just gettign to know each other, but I am not looking for anything special", or are the single people really just rejects? and are the married people rejects who found each other ??? lol lol wow! I feel trapped, neither interested in keep up with the jones, nor being a fisher woman ready to catch in every man I see....anyhow does anyone see this drastic dichotomy? if you do not let me know, what do you think ??? I think if anything what I am trying to say here is that our fast pace world may have destroyed meaningful relationships? or is this just LOS ANGELES? what do you think? maybe the city of Los Angeles is too big!

Our Generation

Is messed up. No longer are young woman demanding for respect but were excepting it as we get older. Young girls are out there abusing there bodies by having sex with mutiple men in only a few weeks because they are looking for love in all the wrong places. Were not protecting ourselves from HIV and diseases. Were not on birth control anymore and we end up giving up our dreams and goals to raise our children. We let young men kill our spirit and have us walking around feeling like S&*^. Walking around with our heads down instead of them being up. We allow these young men to cheat more than once. It only takes one time, and most of the time they won't stop. Our generation is out of control. I see woman crying and waiting for these young men to change. But in reality however you met him is how he is going to be. I see them complaining and confused about relationships. Not knowing what they want, because when they say what they want, they turn around and get the opposite. & the opposite breaks their walls down and demolishes them. Play games with their feelings. One minute they act like they want us than don't need us. While young woman are still growing and maturing trying to build they're self esteem. We let these young men come along and help bring stress. We loose weight, we loose our hair, and we basically stop caring about our looks. It's hard enough being a woman. But to let them beat us and break us down not phycially but mentally is ludicris. I see young girls thinking it's OK to have babies at sixteen than drop them off at there parents house while they out partying. This weekend I wondered is it really the men or could it just be our generation is messed up?

Gender Roles

Over the past several decades women have gone through a major transisiton in this country. We have gained the right to vote, work and earn equal wages (even though sometimes we get paid less) and we have sexual harassement rules and firmer laws helping to keep us safe.

In the African American community there has been a major shift. Black Mars and Venus have collided. Gender roles have been effected and lines have been blurred to the point where our relationships do not work. Coupled with our struggle to find a voice in this country, the black male/female relationship has definitly suffered over the past decades.

And now... economic troubles. Couples of all races are suffering as they face foreclosure, joblessness, and the fall of the middle class. What can we do to establish healthier relationships? Here are a few quick tips to keep in mind.

1. When you begin dating, establish your roles out loud. Women are great assumers. We have expectations beyond belief, but a man will never hear about it. If you're entering a serious relationship, talk about who will be responsible for what, as your lives merge this will become utterly important.

2. Establish good financial communication. Hiding money, hiding, spending, and not being able to go to eachother in your time of need will not help the relationship.

3. Be honest. Don't bite off more than you can chew when it comes to money. If you are planning a life together, open up about your credit status, your debt etc, no surprises need to happen when you try to go for a loan.

4. Be supportive. If one loses a job, its a big deal, especially now with unemployment rates being as high as they are, competition is vicious. A man doesn't need the added nagging at home. Instead, show interest in the job hunt, help as much as possible, and be encouraging. It's hard to succeed when the one you love is tearing you down.

5. Don't be afraid to seek help. If things are snowballing out of control, get help. Theres nothing wrong with counseling. Self sufficient African American women who never need help really doesnt exist, she just chooses not to ask for help.

6. Listen to your gut. You know that inner voice? 99% of the time it's right, more than right. Listen to that voice and get yourself out of situations that will jeoperdize you, even if it means ending a relationship. Sometimes we can prevent the horrible stuff that happens to us.

Is the system destroying up some of our young black males?

Is society setting a lot of these young black men up for failure everywhere they go. A lot of these young men who go to jail for selling drugs or whatever. They do their time, some of them don't look for jobs and go back to doing whatever it was that got them back in the system, Others want to change and not live that street life. But why is it when a lot of these young men get out they can't get hired? There are a lot of places that won't hire you if you do not speak spanish and others won't hire you if you have a misdeamer or a felony. So it had me wonder is the system setting these young men up? I have a good friend whom I've known since high school and has never had a job because of his felony backround and because he got used to making that fast money so to speak. This goes back to why black woman are still single. We want a good man with a job and a car and who is not a ciminal but the system keeps setting these young men back up to where they can't go out and get decent jobs. Black men want to work hard but for good money. I feel the system is setting these young black men up for failure, it seems like no matter where they go they cannot get a job and what makes a strong black man? Of course a strong black woman but we are not going to settle for less and put up with some of these men who continue to live that street life.

BMW OR HONDA CIVIC. Do we sterotype men by there cars?

Picture yourself driving down the street and your stopped at a red light. Two cars pull up, a BMW on the Right and a Honda on the Left. Which one would you probably look at? We see a BMW which is a nice luxurious car and check to see who is driving that bad ass car and, if they are cute. We wouldn't mind going out with a handsome guy who drives a nice car. However, how many of us turn and look to see who's inside a regular Honda Civic? The guy in the Honda could be the guy we've always wanted but since he's driving a Honda Civic not many of us will not take the chance to get to know or see who is driving that car. At that point in time we are not thinking about personality we are thinking about the nice car and maybe the guy has a lot of money.Where as we see the regular Honda which you can get one now for about 1500 or less & what do we think? He don't have no money. So this had me wondering because if a BMW and a Honda were both on the side of me, I would personally look at the BMW before the Honda any day.
Do we stereotype a man by what they drive?

Now I ain't sayin she a gold digger...

I've heard this term, gold digger alot and in the urban dictionary it is described as this:

Any woman whose primary interest in a relationship is material benefits. A woman who cares more about a man's bank account than she does about the man.

Now, since my freshman year of college, I've talked to alot of our black men about their views on women. It has interested me so much and has touched me on a deeper level then I could have imagined. A stigma black women have to come against is the Gold Digger syndrome. I've heard it many times, 'I don't date black women because they're gold diggers, they want this, they want that'. Now its time to break down this stigma.

The relationship between a male and female has always been this, the male provides and the female takes care of the home and children. In every culture, in almost all living animals on this big blue planet, that is the natural order, so I'm shocked when I hear our men saying a sister is a gold digger when she is looking to date a man that has 'something' When I get the female perspective of the situation, I'm surprised at what that 'something' is. I've had conversations with black women who say I want a man with a house. I'm sorry, what in Gods name is wrong with that? I want a man that has an education. Should she be burned at the stake for that? I want a man that makes more than me. What woman doesn't want that? Honestly. For decades we have watched our counterparts marry 80 year old millionaires, kiss their old crusty lips and pretend to be head over heels, are we really going to allow such a huge double standard? Seriously. The term gold digger was mentioned in the blog talk radio on I Date White as a reason not to date a black woman.

When looking for a serious mate, we aren't just looking to go out get our jollys and go home, we are thinking about the future. Thinking about rather or not we would want marriage or children, yes black women want to get married too. That is the point in dating. Thinking about where we will be when we are in our old age, so why would we not look for a provider? Yes I have my expectations, just like my white friends or my latina friends, and I have always looked for my expectations in the men I date. Thousands and thousands black women have been left by the fathers of their children, and they have been left to raise entire families alone. We have watched this for decades, we've watched fatherlessness get worse and worse instead of improving. Our marriage and divorce rates are embarrassing. We've watched the destruction of the black family. So when a young black woman is starting out on her dating journey, she has all this to think about. Setting expectations and having standards is crucial in her not becoming another statistic, so why is she a gold digger? These women aren't even looking for a millionaire, they are simply looking for a real man. Someone who will be there for the children, someone that will provide for their family, it sounds so simple, and yet it has been deemed so hard.

We as a people need to take a huge step back and look at the big picture. Any woman, no matter her race is looking at what you can provide, brother, believe it. We either see what you have now, or your potential, but you better believe if she's standing by your side it's not just because of your kool-aid smile, don't believe the hype. Would Reggie Bush be with Kim Kardasian if he was living in his grandmothers basement collecting food stamps (men get food stamps did you know that? healthy able bodied men) He wouldn't even be with her if he was working two jobs one at Wal-mart and one at McDonalds doing his best to get by, why? Because she has her standards and her expectations. Take away Kobe's MVP award, contracts, fame and fortune and watch this man have trouble getting a date. A man is still expected to be a man, even though women are working and bringing in the bacon. There is nothing wrong with looking for a mate that has something to bring to the table, never is that wrong. I ain't saying she a gold digger... I'm saying she's a woman.

Is the “Good Educated Black Man” taking advantage of the “Good Educated Black Woman?”

Okay, now a college degree does not mean everything, but as a person of color it helps. On a larger scale, people are people and education goes beyond degrees. However, I think some of these white collar professional black men are WAY too cocky in comparison to blue collar men or the so called “thugs”. I often feel as a woman they know that my situation could be seen as bleak if I ONLY want a black man. I often heard of many of these men saying “well I am not in jail” or “Don’t you know I am educated”. These men use phrases such as this to tell us “Educated Black Women” to bow down and take their orders and indiscretions. I have seen so many of these type of men do Black women wrong. I think we often overlook this because we have the bar set so low for Black women. We should just be happy he is not in jail! I mean do we not all want a man, a “Good” black man. Even more so, we “Good Black Women” often measure each other on our ability to “SNAG” one or “Catch” one. As a woman, it is hard to date or marry someone below your educational level. As a black woman we already have to deal with stereotypes that deem us as emasculating individuals that TEAR down the black man. I have dated men with college degrees or above, they had this attitude that because I have worked hard, I was above the requirement of chivalry. In other words, society has created the environment in which I have chosen to survive and accomplish; African American women have no choice but to do their best because we are unable to solely rely upon a man’s help. I did not choose that, but society has created this environment and this undercover condition for us. I mean a white woman that marries well made a responsible choice and a black woman who wants a good partner is a gold digger? However, when it comes to the male and female black relationship, I often think some “Good Educated Black Men” take this idea and run with it….they feel as though I should chase them or even more so, I should ask for less, and expect the basics, when other women of other races who are less accomplished should get the whole world given to them on their feet? I think this is why we see this so co called “Angry Black Woman” stereotype, she really is not the problem but society’s own admission on how we should just be a mule, a mule to even our own black man, we work hard but should always expect less. Would not anyone be angry when put into that type of cage? We work hard to expect less from black men? Am I wrong to say that some of us “ Educated Black People” are miseducated when it comes to how we should respect the black woman, even more so a black woman who obtained not just degrees but knowledge ? Why should she still be treated like a mule instead of a Queen?

The Blame Game

I've had many discussions with men and women about our experiences and how we got to where we are right now. And let me start off by saying there are plenty of beautiful families out there, supporting each other, loving each other. When things go wrong, no one wants to take the blame, its a natural part of our existence. Have you ever seen a toddler lie? Seeing such a young being do something so naturally is amazing. It seems to be embedded in us to keep a squeaky clean slate no matter the cost.



The current situation between the black man and black woman relationship has a long history, and whenever there is a question as to why black men do this or black women do that, there is a huge part of the spectrum that is forgotten. So as a part of this series, we will be taking you back, through our history starting with our African Ancestors and taking you through the complete journey of the black family. It is important before fingers are pointed, before opinions are dismissed and facts are stated that we all know where we came from and that we all know that there cannot be a reaction without there first being action.

All I need in this life of sin...

Life's circles can be amusing sometimes. Living in such a large city, I never realized how small MY world is. I've got a bff, I've known since we were 5, my small family circle, and my group of ride or die girlfriends I'd trust to the fullest (thats a very small number, lol) I'm definitely a Bonnie, but without a Clyde. Not that I'd stand by my man yielding a gun and joining him in an untimely death (I'll stay by your side within reason, lol) But getting to an age where I finally realize maybe I'd like to have someone that's just 'there'. Someone who knows me and cares. I'm a diva housewife, meaning I can hold my own, I hustle and I've taken care of myself, but I treat my man like a king and take care of the household in an instant (if he deserves it) But it seems, as I get older, day by day, my Clyde isn't out there. What do I do? Watching the clock tick I sit at work thinking about my options, my expectations and standards and I start shaving away. Ok, maybe he doesn't have to be college educated... I have a car maybe we can share it. Then I slap myself, what on earth would my mother say? I was taught to know what I want and expect nothing less. I look at what I've accomplished, where I am and where I'd like to be, and I realize I'm not just looking for a man, I'm looking for someone to share my journey. You can't share a journey going east with someone who's going west, so I sit at my desk at work, thinking about my expectations and standards, and I've decided to sick by them, because I realize I'm not asking much when I ask for my Clyde.

If you lie down with dogs, you'll come up with fleas. That saying has never been more true than before I started dating. A woman will mold her entire being around a man. Give him her energy and time, without realizing the feeling isn't mutual. Love yourself, and others will have no choice but to love you back. Expect the best out of everyone in your life, and never settle for less.

What is The Right Age To Settle Down?

When I tell people I am ready to settle down. They ask me how old I am, and they laugh and tell me that I am still a baby that I haven't went through any thing. But what do people mean by I haven't went through anything. I'm twenty years old and I feel like I've been through a lot these past couple of years. I've done the dating, I've done the 6 month inch, the year and two year relationship. Why do I feel like settling down? I guess I feel I don't want to have kids in my thirties I don't even want to get married in my thirties. I feel that is too old for me to have kids and raise them till I'm fifty. Older man and woman tell me I have a lot of growing up to do. I don't see it that way. In today's society men and woman my age are having babies in their early teens. Getting married when they turn eighteen. Having different baby daddies and baby mommas. It's ridiculous that is not going to be me. But it's hard nowadays to actually find someone who is around my age and mature enough to want to be in a committed relationship. Some of these young men are very disrespectful and unfortunately not well educated enough to even pick up a book and read. They are caught up in what's hot, how many woman they can sleep with, and how much money they make. I am not downing any of my peers because right now money is what makes the world go round. But I will say it's hard to actually find someone who is real. There are a lot of perpetrators and pretenders out here. I guess I am getting ahead of myself. Wanting to figure out how this came about. I wonder still... What is the right age to settle down?