Monday, June 29, 2009

Our Generation

Is messed up. No longer are young woman demanding for respect but were excepting it as we get older. Young girls are out there abusing there bodies by having sex with mutiple men in only a few weeks because they are looking for love in all the wrong places. Were not protecting ourselves from HIV and diseases. Were not on birth control anymore and we end up giving up our dreams and goals to raise our children. We let young men kill our spirit and have us walking around feeling like S&*^. Walking around with our heads down instead of them being up. We allow these young men to cheat more than once. It only takes one time, and most of the time they won't stop. Our generation is out of control. I see woman crying and waiting for these young men to change. But in reality however you met him is how he is going to be. I see them complaining and confused about relationships. Not knowing what they want, because when they say what they want, they turn around and get the opposite. & the opposite breaks their walls down and demolishes them. Play games with their feelings. One minute they act like they want us than don't need us. While young woman are still growing and maturing trying to build they're self esteem. We let these young men come along and help bring stress. We loose weight, we loose our hair, and we basically stop caring about our looks. It's hard enough being a woman. But to let them beat us and break us down not phycially but mentally is ludicris. I see young girls thinking it's OK to have babies at sixteen than drop them off at there parents house while they out partying. This weekend I wondered is it really the men or could it just be our generation is messed up?

Tuesday, June 23, 2009


A few weeks ago I wrote about my experience at the opera. I was stereotyped as "the black woman who was on her phone" because I am a black woman who happened to be turning her phone off before the opera started. I was devastated because the person who stereotyped the situation to be true was a black woman. Without regards to my nature she assumed I was THAT black woman.

This morning I found myself in her shoes. I happen to be at a gas station that is frequently covered in drug users trying to pump your gas, wash your windows, scam you for change any which way possible. I am at this gas station at least twice a week and I would sit and listen to stories just for entertainment as it takes forever to fill the tank in my truck. I hear stories of how they lost their jobs and how the system wouldn't help them so they turned to drugs. I even heard a story of a man who told me his car was parked in the corner and all he needed was $10 to get to his ceremony as he was going to be ordained as a priest. Of course I saw him there several weeks later trying to use the same spill to me and I laughed and told him to go away. With such stories you become almost hypnotised by the so called master manipulator of the drug user. My mother always told me to help when I can because you never know when you are helping an angel. So, I would often give what I can without judgement once, and if I saw them again in the same situation, I would bless them and move on.

This one particular morning I happen to be in a crap mood and I was not ready to hear the stories so as I pulled up I told them all to go away and fuck off. One guy was pretty persistent and approached me anyway. He said, "Mame I'm coming to you because I ran out of gas on the freeway and I really need to get to work. I really need this job to support my family. I have my work I.D. and all I need is a few more dollars." I turned to him and said, "Why would you leave home with no money knowing you didn't have any gas? It makes no sense and you need to come up with another story to get a piece of my check to support your drug habit." He said, "I don't do drugs and I promise you any money you give me will go toward gas." I laughed but I thought about what mum said and through him a few dollars and told him I better not see him there again or else. Or else what? I don't know I just said it because I was up going to my place of work while men, black men where out there making money and tax free, to give to the drug man. I pumped my gas with a grim look as to keep all the others away and got in my truck and hopped back on the express way. As I hopped on the express way I saw a car on the side and the same guy with a gas can putting gas in his car.

At that moment I realized why I was experiencing the situations I have experienced. I judged the usher woman at the opera who judged me and I became the judge in a situation where one of our black men were in need of assistance. He lowered his pride to ask me, a black woman, for money so that he may get to is job to support his family, this had to be hard. The crap I gave him by stereotyping him with all the others as was done to me at the opera, must not have made his day any better.

This situation had me thinking. Maybe the woman at the opera was having a crap day. Maybe she had situations over and over with black woman being rude and on their phones at every event and she was tired of it and my one night was her astounding wake up call to not judge every situation the same as this one morning is mine.

This is a lesson learned. I truly understand it and appreciate it. This will help me to continue my self awareness and self improvement so that I can understand all people and life a bit better.

The moral to this story is, love everyone no matter what their situation might be and the love you give you will receive in return. Oh yeah, "Today I shall not judge." I didn't say that this morning and look what I did. hmmmmm....

Sunday, June 21, 2009

To all the fathers...

Happy fathers day to all the fathers
to all the daddy's that kiss the boo boo's
to all the fathers that wake up in the middle of the night
to all the daddy's that now know how to change a diaper
to all the fathers that rub the pregnant belly
to all the daddy's that sacrifice for the college education
to all the fathers that get off the second job exhausted
to all the daddy's that question the prom dates intentions
to all the fathers that keep their promises
to all the fathers that are actually mothers too
to all the fathers that are single and making it work on their own

A happy fathers day to you... we lead by example

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Act like a lady...think like a lady

Nope, I haven't read it. I'm sure its a wonderful book, very heart felt, going out to the sistas that have been through the fire from the perspective of a successful black man who has had women lining up at his feet because of his status. My congrats to Mr Harvey for keeping the ladies in mind. I'll pick it up from Barnes and Nobles soon.

This is my version of what I think some women are doing... well... wrong.
I said to my boo a while ago when we first started seeing eachother, 'Tell me if me pulling out my wallet is offensive, I don't know when not to pay' and he said, 'Baby, you can pay for everything' It was a joke... but it wasn't. And it's true, if I pull out my wallet I can pay, plain and simple, because I'm his equal right? WRONG! This is when I decided to act like a lady and think like a lady.

Now this isnt just going to be a segment on when to start going dutch. Money is a big factor in dating and marriage, and how a man treats money with you is a peek into the relationship as a whole. I noticed a change in our dating when I put away the wallet, he manned up on every level. He wouldn't let me pick up a bag... doors opened more... he held my hand in public more... he treated me like his lady. When we first started dating I had this mentality of unexpecting. I didn't expect to be taken out to nice dinners. I didn't expect him to open the door for me. I didn't expect him to romance me... I simply expected the guy on the couch scratching his balls watching sports while I ask myself why didn't I just stick with the vibrator.

I'm so Miss Independent, in every sense of the term. I got my own thing for sure. I've purchased my car, I have my name on my lease, I work, I pay my bills (except my student loans, lol) I've done it all on my own since high school... I am MISS INDEPENDENT. So going into a relationship, I realized I had to let some of her die... or else I'd end up taking care of a grown ass man.

Now ladies, some might agree, and some might not, but try the 'Standby' and see. What's the 'Standby'? If you're a wallet reacher like me (when the check comes or you're at the concession stand you reach for your wallet hoping he'd say no baby I got it, hoping he's faster than you are at paying) then this is for you. Go out to dinner, when the check comes, you don't budge. When you're at the movies, he buys the popcorn, not you, you're Standby. Why? Because he's courting you, this is called dating. We seem to have forgotten what dating is. Dating is the pre-quel to the relationship. Dating his his way of telling you I'm the man for you. And if you're dating right, then dating is his way of telling you 'I'd make the best husband and father to your children' Because, that is the goal of dating right? Even if you don't want kids, or don't believe in marriage, you're still looking for that person you'll have by your side, your Clyde, other wise you can just stay home.

If a man cannot take you on a date, a simple night on the town... then ummm what is the point? When I played the field I tried all angles. I'd meet a nice guy, we'd have a conversation, then I'd hope he'd ask me on a date. Instead he'd say, you wanna come over to my place. Now I've done this. I love movies and I'm more than willing to make our first date a Blockbuster night... but it always ended the same, his hands would go crazy and reach for my pants. And I'm thinking why does this keep happening? It's our first date... then the light bulb came on... I'm at his home! I've skipped a step. He's comfortable enough to assume if I'd just come to his place, I must want sex. If a man wants to see me beyond the first meeting, we go out. It doesnt have to be a fancy dinner or anything... but damn it our first date is going to be an actual date! No more of that 'so you wanna kick it at my place?' Chump please... I'm a lady. You want to date me, so do it. Now this is definitely a shifting method... you'll shift through the ones that just wanted to take off your pants, you'll hopefully shift through the ones that aren't really feeling you. Because lets face it, if a man wants you he'll go after you. He'll gladly take you out. You'll meet his friends. He'll start talking about his mama and saying when you meet her. If he wants you... if he isnt acting like he wants you, then honey he don't. And that's okay, because you're a queen who deserves her king... not a jester. So you move on to the next, because there are other fish in the sea.

Don't settle for less when dating, it's a peek into the rest of your relationship. I am by no means an expensive date... it doesn't take alot to make me happy... but effort is damn sexy when it comes to dating. One of the most romantic times was walking along the beach at night. If you've got a man who has a brain freeze when it comes to taking you out... tell him where you want to go, don't be afraid to make suggestions, you deserve a nice date. Again, if you've got someone coming to you for more then a one night stand, going on an actual dates will be no problem. Expect him to date you, wait by the door so he can open it, standy by, and act like a lady.

Now that I'm dating this man full time, I have no problem picking up a tab, but when we go on our dates I'm all lady.

Friday, June 12, 2009


I only have two friends that I can tell any and everything to. But today I had to think honestly what our problems were. We were always the ones pointing the finger at these so called "WORTHLESS" men who we say do us wrong but in reality maybe were just picking the wrong men. One of my friends constantly calls herself a "BOSS" now what is a BOSS? A boss is someone who doesn't need anybody it could be male or female and who has high expectations, makes demands, and has the best. So basically someone who has their own house, own car, own money but will let someone else hold quality or even keep that certain someone around but has a tendency to "BOSS UP" on that person. However, back to my friend she considers herself a boss and I'm not saying she isn't but she continuous to pick men who take and abuse her. When I mean abuse I don't mean physically but mentally. Now she is a little messed up in the head about relationships and how its supposed to be. Because while she's calling herself a "BOSS", she's taking care this grown A$$ man who have no house, no car, and no money. She puts up with too much from these men as if she is obligated to put up with it. My other friend she wants someone to boss up on her and tell her what to do. But the ones she seems to like are all A$$e$. That talk down to her and make her feel like she beneath them and she should be begging to be with them or wanting them.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Destined to be alone...

Am I sabotaging my chance to be loved and to love?

I met someone through a friend, this man is amazing with his spirit but he has this aloof and secretive nature about him. I have an idea (meaning its something he says he does but I have yet to see) what he does for a living and I know where he's from and what he likes but is that enough for now? My heart wants to let him in but I'm such a skeptic that I am constantly looking for something. Is he with someone else? I spent a very long nine months getting wooed by a married man so I have these boundaries up that I feel are stopping me from completely letting me feel the love he has tried to give me.
Now I have no worries as he has made the decision to drift away from me. I just really feel misunderstood. My words always get taken out of context. I voiced my feelings and how I felt in regards to the battle that's happening with my soul, heart and mind. I told him, "The battle that is happening inside is tired and ready to give up." Meaning I'm ready to love. But he didn't give me a chance to explain. He just jumped to his own conclusion and assumed I meant ready to end this. I am very non-confrontational when it comes to men I care about so I just let it go and came home from work and buried my head in my pillow. He then sent me a text to "Please say something...." I sent him something which then gave him the go ahead to start to tell me how I am. He said I need to change my foolish ways. I was like huh? Which ways may these be? I began to think of things that I may have done but all I've been doing lately is cleaning house (my body and surrounding) getting rid of all the memories of my past so that I could make new ones with him. So, no...there are no foolish ways unless he means my skepticism. But he knows I have recently been divorced, cheated on, and wooed by someone married so I don't see how he could not be a bit more patient and more sensitive knowing what he was getting into form the beginning.
Is it wrong for me to want more than what I have already experienced?
I know everything happens for a reason, but even though I have to accept this, it still hurt.
I'm starting to believe that I am destined to be alone.

Can I live?

Ok, so I know we already know about the ABW paradigmn ( angry black woman). So, what happens when she becomes HAPPY! I am curious to see if any other women have been through the HBW classical enviromental reactions . What to do with the HAPPY BLACK WOMAN....I remember Mary J Blidge said something like people were glad when she was singing those sad songs but when she found some REAL love, everyone was not to HAPPY about Wow, Well, maybe this takes me back again to some larger issues. When a black women is doing JUST FINE FINE FINE( not to say life is perfect but the sista has accepted the good and let go of the bad) is such a problem, it is almost as though you have to defend yourself for being happy. Seriously, this is why I love me some Oprah... Oprah has taken us to a whole other level... not just because she is a billionaire but because she never looks like she is lost. People try to sue Oprah about some cows, and the sista is still rollin. Even when she is upset, the sista has a cool breeze about it, like I got this! Or even Mrs. Obama, she has that same look, that determination to be herself. I know we get tried so often,but when we are happy, and I mean happy in the sense of contentment......people start throwing rocks... I think we need a new planet called, HBW planet. Does anyone have this experience? it is like twilight do do doo do do dooo :)

P.S. Google "happy black woman" and see all the unhappy articles that come up, is this a mistake....mmmm let me think

Sincerely - Your Neighborhood HBW

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Confessions of a Manaholic

Confession#10 My biggest fear since childhood has been growing up to be like my mother.

Why? Because she's never had a man truly love her. Yea, she went around the block, enough times to have seven kids. Had the ring. Changed her last name. Tried to be June Cleaver, wanted to be June Cleaver. But she was never allowed. It seems it was her lot in life. Every relationship, every marriage, failed. She's getting older now, flaunting an AARP card, and called me on the phone and said to me "I like white men now, I'm thinking about dating one" It made me want to cry.

Are we sittin and waitin too much?

"All I Gotta Do all i gotta do is sit and wait sit and wait and it's gonna find me all i gotta do is sit and wait if i can learn how
what i need to do is sit and wait cause i'm a woman sit and wait what i gotta do is sit and wait cause i'm a woman it'll find me
you get yours and i'll get mine if i learn to sit and wait you got yours i want mine and i'm gonna get it cause i gotta get it cause i need to get it if i learn how
thought about calling for it on the phone asked for a delivery but they didn't have it thought about going to the store to get it walked to the corner but they didn't have it
called your name in my sleep sitting and waiting thought you would awake me called your name lying in my bed but you didn't have it offered to go get it but you didn't have it so i'm sitting
all i know is sitting and waiting waiting and sitting cause i'm a woman all i know is sitting and waiting cause i gotta wait wait for it to find me "
Written by Nikki Giovanni

I love this poem, it is one of my favorites! I remember a time when I first had my daughter, I was told to do this, I was told to " SIT AND WAIT" and be a " GOOD WOMAN". I sure wasted my time doing this, it was a pure trap. I would say I waited for almost two years. I thought something was wrong with me. I met this person in College, so he was a college educated brother. I let my guard down thinking we would 100% have a future together. I mean, this beautiful black man took African American studies classes so he could get me! We would both be like Bonnie and Clyde , but College educated go getters not robbers of course! lol. I had it all planned out. I also remember him telling me about his friend getting married and also how one day maybe we could both live in the windy city together. Well, soon after he left back out of state to school. I was taken back by this, because he was suppose to relocate, this was going on before I even met him. He went back and I went on with my life. So 9 months go by, I myself was so busy trying to get a degree, I just kept moving. We reunited, and of course me thinking that he is a college educated brother, would step it up, and this would be it. Wow, I did not know, my fellow brother would take energy to change his mind when it was too late, so for me, I had to stay true, and my daughter was made from my deepest part, the hope that as a woman, I could believe my black brother. So often, I feel as though black women get this short hand of the stick. We are not baby mamas. We are abandoned by our men and left to fight for survival in America. Many black women are just left! we are left with no explanations, and no one wants to talk about why our fathers left our mothers, why they could not settle down, why our grandmothers had to be the back bone all the time. No doubt there are brothers doing what they need to ( WE LOVE YOU!!) but the reality is, we are getting lost and going a group of people what made African Americans able to survive slavery was this idea of FAMILY! we respected each other we loved each other, in the 1960's we called each other sista's and brotha's ....what happened to the male and female black love! Black love is now an endagred species. I truly think we got lost, we fought to sit at the table, but now we have no REAL FOOD for ours souls to share with each other. Anyways, I stopped waiting to be validated by a man, I did not grow up saying I want to do it all, I was give no choice but to do it achieve my dreams alone. I love my daughter, I plan for us not to struggle with the grace of GOD, I plan to do this with hardwork and staying true to what God has for me. Yet, when I do decide to do this, a person, of whatever background or color, would love to knock me down and say, well you need a man, and deep down, I want to say, you bring his ASS to me, because I CANT SIT AND WAIT for him to get here, my child needs me to give her all I can, so I do not sit and wait anymore, it is up to us to see women such as me, as not broken, but women who created a new story, I should not carry the shame of a man's mistake, when more of us can do this, maybe then, we can overcome these stereotypes, rather than us further oppressing ourselves.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Why buy the cow...

So my senses have been heightened when a conversation turns to co-habitation. It seems to be a hot topic for alot of people right now. I don't know if people talked about it before and I just never paid attention because it never involved me or what, but a lot of people in my life are talking about it.

I have a friend of a friend, she's been in a relationship for more than 6 years! More than 6 years! Boyfriend and Girlfriend for well over 6 years. At dinner her agitation with her situation was very apparent. She didn't want to speak of him, she didn't want to think about him, but what do a bunch of women talk about when we get together? Our men. As we changed the subject to politics, or the news, or taxes, we couldn't help to come back to the relationship talk. Two of the women at the table are in something happy and new, two are single, and then there’s her. They've lived together for a long time, work, pay bills, think about the future, but too slow for her. I couldn't help but feel sorry for her, because it seems she's trapped. This is a man she's been in love with and has dedicated her entire young life to for more than 6 years (when you're in your mid twenties 6 years is a looooong time to be in a relationship) That night she hadn't wore a ring he got for her. Not an engagement ring, not a promise ring, just a ring that she happened to wear on THAT finger because that’s the only one that fits, she didn’t' wear it on purpose. He's on the clock. He has a certain amount of time to make an honest woman of her or she's out. Or is she? Love can be so binding, even without the 'eyes of god, marriage license, white wedding' He's her man. I watched the movie He's not that into you, and while I cannot relate to these extremely silly women, I did feel Jennifer Aniston's character. She had been with a man, co-habitating for years, basically his wife without the title. And in the end she realized she didn’t need a ceremony to define the fact that she has something good, something married people don't even have because they simply get married to conform to society's standards. They are miserable, their husbands cheat, the wives cheat, the children suffer, they fight about money, about the dog, about the sun rising in the east and setting in the west, they finally divorce wondering where the last years of their lives have gone.

And then there’s her. As women in America we are taught to believe in marriage, the sancity, the status. If you notice a married woman with a cheating husband she always emphasizes that she's his WIFE, even though he’s out screwing whatever moves, she's his WIFE and he loves her most. Tisk tisk ladies, tisk tisk. There are many other situations that can deteriorate a marriage successfully, but cheating is top on my list. So... with this being said, what should she do? She's happy with him, she loves him, as far as she knows he's faithful, they work well together, they even bought a place together, they are homeowners. Is her timeline for a race to the alter a mistake? Tell me what you think.


I am moving on. Now and last night from what you've expressed how I make you feel, I have no choice but to let you go. This is for both of our good. You need to be free and I need to just be. Ten years of my life has past holding on to the hope of us but there was never an us. There was never half of you or half of me to make we. There has always been pain and me helping you through it, being your emotions..but now I have my own and you can't handle it. Dre, no matter what you say or how you try to point the finger at me YOU are the one who ruined us. YOU. We could get through me flirting and we could get through my attitudes but we could never get through what you've done to us, our relationship, and our friendship. There is no justifiable reason for you to do what you did. You have hurt me many times and I didn't go out and fuck anyone and get pregnant. There is no way you can even compare what you did to me to ANY pain I have caused you. Sorry but there isn't. My biggest mistake is staying. I should have left a long time ago but my love for you wouldn't let me. Even when you told me you didn't like me I still stayed. But this is it! Saying I stop you from doing what you want to do, like going to see that thing, I won't stand. Its like you're trying to beat me and manipulate me so I could feel bad enough to encourage you to go and bring this thing into our lives and I'm not having it. So, yes you are your father and I am like your mother. I choose not to stay around while you do what you do. Go and be with her and your baby. These babies are mine and we don't need you. I hate you for what you did to us. I hate you for what you've become and who you've become. I hate you for not being a man and moving forward. I hate you for making me fall in love with who you were. STAY OUT OF MY LIFE AND LEAVE ME ALONE! I can't do this anymore. I don't want to love you. LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID TO ME! You can't even admit that nothing I have ever did could ever amount to what you have done to us. I can't even appreciate being pregnant with our children because all I could think of is how you already have a child. AND YES I HAVE A CHILD BUT YOU HAVE ONE WITH SOMEONE ELSE AND BROUGHT THIS ONE TO OUR RELATIONSHIP! I don't have a choice Dre. You didn't give me the choice. But I give myself the choice and I say FUCK NO! Yeah, you don't see it and her but you want to. I know you do. Because you say, because I don't want you to you don't, meaning you want to. So, GO!. BUT I PROMISE YOU THIS, YOU WILL NEVER EVER SEE MY BABIES! So you better go and try and be with her and be in that ones life. You say you don't try to control me. You have. You have manipulated me in believing that my flirting is equal to what you've done and I've stayed. You have controlled me by making me feel bad for you every time you go into a self pity party...But Dre, Fuck you. I don't want to go to your pity parties anymore. I don't want to be your rock. I'm set to fine my own rock and the love who will be my support and I can be his. Just leave me be. I've never felt so strong about its over.

I was going through my emails this morning and thought it would make me feel better to share my break up email with all of you. Excuse the language as it was coming straight from the heart. Its been almost two years now since this was written. I'm still single and dating. I think I have found a good guy but this time I'm taking it pretty slow. Its funny how when you get older, while your biological clock is ticking we choose to be wise and not rush into to things as opposed to when we were younger and immature we rushed into relationships head and heart first. You would think it would be the other way around.

I have a vengeful nature about me. And I'm glad I grew out of it because I'm sure I would have thought of something terrible to do to this man.
My Da use to say, "The greatest revenge, is success." So, I guess I did get my revenge in a way, I'm happy and successful.

Monday, June 8, 2009

At the Opera

This Saturday I went to the Opera with a friend. We had dinner outside by the fountain and everything seemed as though it was going to be a good night. When we got to our seats we sat down like everyone else and began to chat a bit about how excited we were to be there. Everyone was settling in and getting comfy, ready for the three hour journey of singing. During this time a woman who was sitting next to us began to shush us as if we were the only ones talking. I looked at her a restrained myself from saying anything. The curtains hadn't went up and everyone wasn't seated but she began to shush us repeatedly. I looked around and then realized that my date and I were the only two black people sitting in this area. I ignored the lady and pretended like she wasn't there.

As the lights dimmed I picked my phone up and proceeded to turn it off as I didn't want it to ring during the show. The light lit bright and I hit the off button. The lady, who I could now see was white, leaned over around her date and put her finger over her mouth and shushed me again. This time too my face. I politely told her, "Excuse me Madame but I was turning my phone off. I was not on it." She then shushed me again. At this point I ignored her and proceeded to watch the opera.

During intermission I went to wash up and got back to my seat to only be approached by the head usher. She grabbed me by my arm and asked me to go with her. I looked at her and told her if she didn't take her hands off me she will have a law suit on her hands. When she let go I walked out with her and asked her what the problem was. She said, "If you are going to be on your phone we will have to ask you to leave." I looked at her and then looked in at the white woman sitting there with a smirk on her face. I looked at this black usher who is also a woman and smiled. I told her I was cutting my phone off and I feel like she approached this situation unprofessionally and I wanted to speak to her supervisor. She then called security. I couldn't believe her. As security came I told them what happened and they too felt she could have approached the situation better. I explained that I saw in her face that just because I am a young black woman, instead of her asking me if I were on my phone she came at me as if I were already guilty. I then told her, "If you saw I were a white woman I'm sure you would not have grabbed her by the arm and proceeded to tell her she were on her phone BUT, you would have politely walked up to her and advised her that someone has complained about her being on her phone and there is rule about being on the phone. BUT because you saw I was a young black woman, instead of approaching me in that manner, you automatically assumed, "she's black, she must have been 0n her phone" and you proceeded to act accordingly in which I do not appreciate." She apologized and because by now I had tears in my eyes of pain, humiliation, and just blood boiling rage, I left, missing the opera in which I paid for. There was NO way I could go back and sit next to that lady with the anger I had inside me. You choose your battles and if I were to stay, that battle would have been lost as I would have reached over and choked that white woman to death.

Why is it that black people cannot be treated like they should? Why are we automatically pointed out with this horrible stereotype of acting ignorant in public? Why are we always the main ones to treat our own people with such ill respect while surrounded by white people?

We have a black president but has anything really changed? We have to start with believing in one another before we can change the whole world.

I was so hurt by this situation, I went home and cried myself to sleep. I still can't believe what happened. Racial discrimination, not just by the white woman but by my own black sista. Why?

Why can't we encourage, love, respect, put us first with each other, and help guide us to be strong and a proud people? For the first time in my life I was embarrassed to be black. Not for what happened but because of the way the black usher acted toward me. I can't judge her situation and what she felt she was doing to keep her job but all I can do is feel how I'm feeling and its anger, pain, frustration, and deep sorrow for her and everyone like her. It was the case of the house negro. She was trying to appease the white man in order to make it seem as if she were doing a good job. She kept looking at the white woman like she was showing her she was doing her job. I was waiting to hear her say, "Yessum mame, I handled it just how you wanted me to. see?" I'm trying to see every ones perspective but I can't accept this behavior any longer.

I have written several emails and complaints in regards to the situation. I have also consulted a lawyer to get my money back for my tickets, which they refuse to refund.

The moral to this story is...........Black people have to put our people first no matter what. We have to always have each others back regardless of stereotypes and what society says about us. Lets love G-d first, ourselves second, our families third, our people fourth, and then everyone and everything else.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

The Ticking Clock

My b-day is coming up soon, and Im not turning a magical age, 21 was grand, 18 was so fun, 25 was sobering.

I sat back these last few weeks and thought about where I thought I'd be by now. A 26 year old professional. Check. A wife... hmmm... a mother...._______

In grade school I thought I'd go to college, work for a while, marry my college or high school lover and have my 3.5 children by 30. But alas, life happens, and here I am with a clock ticking louder than the one in the crocs belly in Peter Pan.

So heres the position, my relationship I'm in has more weight than any other I've ever had, he doesnt know it, but my whole future I've wanted from a little girl is in his hands, and it scares me. Seeing the dating pool, how shallow it is, is for certain somewhere I dont want to be, so now I play the waiting game. I'm enjoying my relationship, loving every minute, trying not to listen to that clock, tick tock ever so louder and louder as I see the cute baby in line at the store (they seem to get more adorable every day, engaging me by playing peek a boo with me behind their parent's back, as if to say 'you want one just like me!'), or drive past the beautiful summer wedding on my way to the bank. I wait... how long?

He's all I got...hmmmm...

My sister found pictures of men's private parts on her hubby's cell phone. This isn't funny but I can't help but to laugh in fear. My sis and I don't really get along, but do I think she deserves this? NO! No women does. Being the investigator she is, she started looking through all of his paperwork and his computer. From there she found he belonged to a few male sites that engaged in inappropriate behavior with the same sex. She then started listening to voice messages from his phone, which she didn't do before. She heard messages from men saying, "Last night was wonderful. I can't wait to see you again." And, "Meet me at the taco bell by your house. See if you can get away from the wife and all those kids." My sister has five children with this man, not including one he had with another woman while they were split up for two months. With all the information she gathered she went to him to confront him. Of course he denied it and said all the guys who called were just his boys and she took the messages in the wrong contexts. She taped the messages and I heard them and it didn't sound nothing like the hommie saying, "Hey man, last night was cool. We gotta do this again." No it was more like, "Thank you baby, I miss you already" kind of talk. He made my sister feel secure for a day or so until she got a call from one of "his boys". He went off saying he is going to leave her for him and her man supports him and lets him live in his dead fathers house for free. Now I'm sitting there with my mouth open and in shock. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I asked what was she going to do and she said, "What can I do? I have six kids to take care of and no job. He's all I got." I took a deep breath and left. What could I say? I couldn't judge her situation because I can't even imagine how she feels. I can't say, "LEAVE HIM NOW GIRL!" because unless I was willing and ready to take in her and her children it wasn't going to happen. Plus, I offered and she said no. We would kill each other in the same house. In all honesty I believe she likes the pity parties. Not my kind of party.

Are we in a time where this is ok? Not only are men cheating, but cheating with men? And its not just men either, its women as well. What is wrong with society and the world? Are we truly living if our morals and everything good around us is crumbling? My sister's now happy house hold is corrupted by sin. Does anyone still believe in G-d? I'm sorry but I am too unwilling to conform to a world where I have to accept my husband having two separate lives or having a husband who will accept me having two separate lives. Call me old fashioned but I would like to live a traditional life under G-d. This whole DL thing has got me shaken. I don't want to love someone and have to feel like I got to check up on what he is doing every day. I want to be able to know he will not be weak and tempted by sinful temptations. And don't say find a G-d fearing man because those are the main ones on their knees. And believe me they are not down there praying.

What in the hell?

There is no moral to this story. That's the problem...NO MORALS!


I am hopelessly single because for one I am still young and I haven't experienced life. Two I haven't gotten my life fully together yet. Three, young men my age are immature. In my generation you have sex first then get to know a person. How do you know you should wait? You meet a guy, and don't know the guy more than five minutes, and the guy that you just met and had the most interesting and enjoyable conversation with does not want to wait to have sex. So what do you do because he seems like someone you could see yourself with right. No, if a man can not wait till I say I am ready than I am going to let it go. Sex was never a big deal three years ago because I was single not looking for nobody and willing to let go and have fun. Plus, I wasn't the only who felt the same way. A lot of my female friends were the same too. I don't encourage or praise that because your body is golden, your body is a temple and should not just be given to any man. However, in my generation sex comes first than love than a baby and that's it. Allot of these young men make babies and never want to be with the baby's mother. So I'm not sure when marriage comes in because our generation is so screwed up at a young age that we don't even think before anything. Just robots, we just do it. It's whatever.