Thursday, June 11, 2009

Destined to be alone...

Am I sabotaging my chance to be loved and to love?

I met someone through a friend, this man is amazing with his spirit but he has this aloof and secretive nature about him. I have an idea (meaning its something he says he does but I have yet to see) what he does for a living and I know where he's from and what he likes but is that enough for now? My heart wants to let him in but I'm such a skeptic that I am constantly looking for something. Is he with someone else? I spent a very long nine months getting wooed by a married man so I have these boundaries up that I feel are stopping me from completely letting me feel the love he has tried to give me.
Now I have no worries as he has made the decision to drift away from me. I just really feel misunderstood. My words always get taken out of context. I voiced my feelings and how I felt in regards to the battle that's happening with my soul, heart and mind. I told him, "The battle that is happening inside is tired and ready to give up." Meaning I'm ready to love. But he didn't give me a chance to explain. He just jumped to his own conclusion and assumed I meant ready to end this. I am very non-confrontational when it comes to men I care about so I just let it go and came home from work and buried my head in my pillow. He then sent me a text to "Please say something...." I sent him something which then gave him the go ahead to start to tell me how I am. He said I need to change my foolish ways. I was like huh? Which ways may these be? I began to think of things that I may have done but all I've been doing lately is cleaning house (my body and surrounding) getting rid of all the memories of my past so that I could make new ones with him. So, no...there are no foolish ways unless he means my skepticism. But he knows I have recently been divorced, cheated on, and wooed by someone married so I don't see how he could not be a bit more patient and more sensitive knowing what he was getting into form the beginning.
Is it wrong for me to want more than what I have already experienced?
I know everything happens for a reason, but even though I have to accept this, it still hurt.
I'm starting to believe that I am destined to be alone.