Now I ain't sayin she a gold digger...

I've heard this term, gold digger alot and in the urban dictionary it is described as this:

Any woman whose primary interest in a relationship is material benefits. A woman who cares more about a man's bank account than she does about the man.

Now, since my freshman year of college, I've talked to alot of our black men about their views on women. It has interested me so much and has touched me on a deeper level then I could have imagined. A stigma black women have to come against is the Gold Digger syndrome. I've heard it many times, 'I don't date black women because they're gold diggers, they want this, they want that'. Now its time to break down this stigma.

The relationship between a male and female has always been this, the male provides and the female takes care of the home and children. In every culture, in almost all living animals on this big blue planet, that is the natural order, so I'm shocked when I hear our men saying a sister is a gold digger when she is looking to date a man that has 'something' When I get the female perspective of the situation, I'm surprised at what that 'something' is. I've had conversations with black women who say I want a man with a house. I'm sorry, what in Gods name is wrong with that? I want a man that has an education. Should she be burned at the stake for that? I want a man that makes more than me. What woman doesn't want that? Honestly. For decades we have watched our counterparts marry 80 year old millionaires, kiss their old crusty lips and pretend to be head over heels, are we really going to allow such a huge double standard? Seriously. The term gold digger was mentioned in the blog talk radio on I Date White as a reason not to date a black woman.

When looking for a serious mate, we aren't just looking to go out get our jollys and go home, we are thinking about the future. Thinking about rather or not we would want marriage or children, yes black women want to get married too. That is the point in dating. Thinking about where we will be when we are in our old age, so why would we not look for a provider? Yes I have my expectations, just like my white friends or my latina friends, and I have always looked for my expectations in the men I date. Thousands and thousands black women have been left by the fathers of their children, and they have been left to raise entire families alone. We have watched this for decades, we've watched fatherlessness get worse and worse instead of improving. Our marriage and divorce rates are embarrassing. We've watched the destruction of the black family. So when a young black woman is starting out on her dating journey, she has all this to think about. Setting expectations and having standards is crucial in her not becoming another statistic, so why is she a gold digger? These women aren't even looking for a millionaire, they are simply looking for a real man. Someone who will be there for the children, someone that will provide for their family, it sounds so simple, and yet it has been deemed so hard.

We as a people need to take a huge step back and look at the big picture. Any woman, no matter her race is looking at what you can provide, brother, believe it. We either see what you have now, or your potential, but you better believe if she's standing by your side it's not just because of your kool-aid smile, don't believe the hype. Would Reggie Bush be with Kim Kardasian if he was living in his grandmothers basement collecting food stamps (men get food stamps did you know that? healthy able bodied men) He wouldn't even be with her if he was working two jobs one at Wal-mart and one at McDonalds doing his best to get by, why? Because she has her standards and her expectations. Take away Kobe's MVP award, contracts, fame and fortune and watch this man have trouble getting a date. A man is still expected to be a man, even though women are working and bringing in the bacon. There is nothing wrong with looking for a mate that has something to bring to the table, never is that wrong. I ain't saying she a gold digger... I'm saying she's a woman.

Go Towards The White, Carol Ann

I date a lot. That's something that I didn't do ever in Kansas City. Apparently there just isn't a market for BBW's in Kansas City. However that dilemma was easily remedied with a short drive to St. Louis, Chicago or Dallas. This is how I ended up living in Dallas. Ever hear the saying "everything is bigger in TX?" Let me just say that the men show me plenty of love in TX, especially the white men. I am a firm believer in keeping a full stable of men. Each one of them brings a unique personality into my life. Some men I just date in between checks for a free meal.

Those are usually white guys. I have dated two actual cowboys and turned down dozens. I really like the Marlboro Man style but good heavens! I know that inter racial dating is still a foreign concept to African American or Latino women but it really shouldn't be. I have been on the other side of the fence when it comes to interracial dating. I will admit I was one of those sisters that sneered when I saw a brother out with a white women or a Latina. Then one dateless day I decided I was only hurting myself by refusing to expand my options. Don't get me wrong, I love brothers. I love a professional brother in a business suit with a briefcase. I love a blue collar brother with dirt under his nails and a name tag sewed on to his uniform. I love an "Imma be honest I'm the Weed Man" brother with cornrows and Nikes. I have a thing for brothers.

However, when you are making the decision to date outside your race you should consider some things, like what stereotype (hey some are based in truth) would you like to date? Will you feel comfortable if someone sneers at ya'll at the movies. Sometimes that does happen. Are you willing to be happy no matter what others think including yourself?

When you turn down a date based on some superficial quality you only hurt yourself. You could go from dateless to dating every night if you would only broaden your options. Which option will you choose?

Tomorrow's topic: Build-A-Boyfriend

Is the “Good Educated Black Man” taking advantage of the “Good Educated Black Woman?”

Okay, now a college degree does not mean everything, but as a person of color it helps. On a larger scale, people are people and education goes beyond degrees. However, I think some of these white collar professional black men are WAY too cocky in comparison to blue collar men or the so called “thugs”. I often feel as a woman they know that my situation could be seen as bleak if I ONLY want a black man. I often heard of many of these men saying “well I am not in jail” or “Don’t you know I am educated”. These men use phrases such as this to tell us “Educated Black Women” to bow down and take their orders and indiscretions. I have seen so many of these type of men do Black women wrong. I think we often overlook this because we have the bar set so low for Black women. We should just be happy he is not in jail! I mean do we not all want a man, a “Good” black man. Even more so, we “Good Black Women” often measure each other on our ability to “SNAG” one or “Catch” one. As a woman, it is hard to date or marry someone below your educational level. As a black woman we already have to deal with stereotypes that deem us as emasculating individuals that TEAR down the black man. I have dated men with college degrees or above, they had this attitude that because I have worked hard, I was above the requirement of chivalry. In other words, society has created the environment in which I have chosen to survive and accomplish; African American women have no choice but to do their best because we are unable to solely rely upon a man’s help. I did not choose that, but society has created this environment and this undercover condition for us. I mean a white woman that marries well made a responsible choice and a black woman who wants a good partner is a gold digger? However, when it comes to the male and female black relationship, I often think some “Good Educated Black Men” take this idea and run with it….they feel as though I should chase them or even more so, I should ask for less, and expect the basics, when other women of other races who are less accomplished should get the whole world given to them on their feet? I think this is why we see this so co called “Angry Black Woman” stereotype, she really is not the problem but society’s own admission on how we should just be a mule, a mule to even our own black man, we work hard but should always expect less. Would not anyone be angry when put into that type of cage? We work hard to expect less from black men? Am I wrong to say that some of us “ Educated Black People” are miseducated when it comes to how we should respect the black woman, even more so a black woman who obtained not just degrees but knowledge ? Why should she still be treated like a mule instead of a Queen?

These Celibacy Blues

cel⋅i⋅ba⋅cy
   /ˈsɛləbəsi/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [sel-uh-buh-see] Show IPA
–noun
1. abstention from sexual relations.
2. abstention by vow from marriage: the celibacy of priests.
3. the state of being unmarried

To all my sisters out there who are going for the long haul, I'm talking about celibacy, this ones for you.

According to websters all us unmarried folks are celibant, according to modern days and time celibacy means we ain't gettin' any!

I chose to be celibant for several long years, and during this time, I went through a very evident transition. I had many moments of self reflection and my celibacy, I firmly believe, has led me to my current dating situation. I gained power. It allowed me to think. Think about the entire act of love, not just sex, but the entire act of actually loving someone. Often we as women can get love and sex confused, and that's where things fall apart. Living in Hollywood I see women every day that are so easy to bed, why would any man ever settle down and love any of them? During my celibacy I remember my mother's harping words, 'if he loves you he will wait' and you know what, it's true. Men have the ability to completely separate themselves from sex and love, some women have this ability too but many don't (hence movies like fatal attraction and obsessed are born, art imitates life)

I discovered love has different layers, and sometimes the lines can be blurred. Sex is only 1 part of love, and I've discovered through my celibacy it is a part of love that is so easy to take and manipulate, after a while it won't mean anything. Anyone can have sex, but there are people out there who literally cannot fall in love. Celibacy can help you separate the layers of love and lead you to a more fulfilling relationship. Also we as women don't realize what we have, we have what men want! They need us ladies, literally they need us. If we realize this, we won't allowed ourselves to be played over and over again.

How to get over the Celibacy Blues

Celibacy is a personal journey, that many religions believe will reveal a new part of our spiritual selves. If you are taking this journey, meditate, pray, and think about the past experiences that have led you to this point. And use this moment in your life to regain your sexual power. Practicing Yoga is a great way to get in touch with a new layer of your own personal being. Make a goal for yourself in your dating life, to raise the bar both for yourself and for the man you date. Think about your future and where you want to be and what you need to do to get yourself there. Without sex to muddle your mind, you now have time to really think and improve your life. And when your celibacy ends, that man better watch out! lol.

The male on/off switch

Is it just me or does it seem like men have the capacity to just “change” their feelings over night? I have had this discussion with my friends several times. How can you be in a relationship with someone, as women are deeply and whole heartedly in love, they (men) say they love us to, we mean the world to them and then the breakup happens and all that “love” just disappears. Its like, not only do they created with this Y chromosome but they also are built with the feeling on/off switch. They are all about you one moment and the next it’s like the relationship never existed. You used to talk to each other in one form or the other everyday for like 2 years. You laugh, cried, argued .. You felt secure in not only their words but their actions. You knew in your heart that you meant the world to them, and they the same to you and then poof.. It’s all over.
You are watching reruns of the lifetime network movies, still in your pj’s from 2 days ago, crying with your girlfriend over bottles and bottles of chardonnay, and trying to desperately figure out what went wrong. They are out with their boys picking up the next soon to be ex girlfriend. Your clutching your pillow at night running your entire relationship through your head while their clutching Lisa, Tianna or Michelle.
Even thought, somewhere in your broken feelings we know the relationship may or even should be over but we still carry those feelings for the ex, where has he some how has “flipped the switch” and embraced his new found world of singldom.
Now, I know .. in this day an age after all we have been through we are stronger, smarter and not so boo hoo over men, but we do have our moments, and wouldn’t it be great to be on equal an equal “feeling” field when it comes to breakups.. You can’t tell me it wouldn’t be great to have one of those switches … can you???

Control over Compromise??

Although our child together is almost 2 years old we have only been together, together for 8 months.. I know, kinda backwards but that happens to be how these cards were dealt. We have had several ups and downs.. Truth be told more downs then ups but I get the feeling it’s the sign of future things to come. I believe that there will be arguments in any healthy relationship which is where the need to compromise comes in however; Mighty Mouth believes he is the ruler of this domain and his way is always the right way.. I am older than he is .. 6 years actually so maybe that is where my understanding comes in, through age and experience?? So our latest argument is the idea that I feel he needs to be much more of a hands on father, diaper changes, walks in the park, and just being around when his child wakes up in the morning, he believes money is all power and needs to be made at all cost to secure the future for his children.. Yeah there are more then one… but the absentness of being a “dad” is missing and I see it in our child eyes every time he calls for his daddy…. I have tried to explain to him that personal time is so much more important then the material things money can buy, He has decided that his child will not live “without” enormous amounts of financial wealth and I must accept that this is who he is and what he is going to do.. which has caused this argument to spill over into anger. and resentment.. and now.. non speaking terms.. I have tried to reach out, tried to find a compromise however his obsession with control has caused all communication to be put on hold until further notice..He just stopped calling, no text, no email, and when I reach out I’m sent straight to voice mail like a child sent to the corner.. WTF??? I’m a grown woman..

Why are some men and women so far apart on the idea of what is best for a child, and why do some men feel that money will provide a stable and healthy relationship with their children and on another note why do men feel they need to be more of a Father to their women and not their children??

"The Unofficial Girl"

I am not going to say this is exactly why young woman are single still. But I will say is that we continue to settle and become the "unofficial" girl, rebound, or "the other woman". The "unofficial girl" is when we try to get the to see that were trying to be there main chick and not just someone they share intimacy with. We want to see them exclusively. The "Rebound girl" and "other woman" are pretty much the same thing. We are always put 2nd and we are never going to be the girlfriend nor do we sometimes ask to be the girlfriend. [Woman who are never given a title and continues to stick around while the man that she might like sleeps with other woman.]But he has you because your always there, we give them whatever we want and the relationship never moves forward it just stays the same. A problem with this is that woman actually believe the man is going to eventually leave his long term relationship. & most of the time he is not. Than there are woman out there who don't care and just want to have sex regardless if the man is already committed or not. Instead of giving the woman respect they look at it like this " Its not my fault hes not happy in the relationship...obviously she can't take care of her man otherwise he wouldn't be calling me". Another reason woman choose to be the rebound could be a self-esteem issue. Especially if they don't have a man themselves, woman will mess around with someone Else's man because they feel they can't do better. This leads single woman to be the "unofficial girl", "Rebound girl", & "The other woman".

Prince Charming

We can't have a blog about African American relationships without touching on interracial dating. Within our community more than any other race, interracial dating is a hot topic (we will explain the reason why when we go back through the journey) But for this posting, I want to speak to all the sisters who are considering interracial dating.



9 times out of 10, when a black woman is dating interracially, there is a set reason behind her decision. A lot of the times we don't have the luxury of saying 'it just happened, we fell in love and it has nothing to do with race' Real talk, the majority of African Americans dating interracially have made a conscious decision, and we know it. So, sister, you've decided to open your world and date outside your race. First let me start off by saying you have made a great decision, by not limiting your choices for love. The taboo relationship between the black woman and the white man has in recent years come to the forefront of our community. We see more and more happy interracial couples married, raising families, and living life to the fullest.

To start your journey through interracial dating I would suggest starting with self reflection. Coming to this decision is often out of reaching a boiling point. Settle down, dating someone new while being angry at a race of men will eventually hinder your new relationship. When you enter the interracial dating world, you still have a responsibility to represent and educate the family of your chosen lover on your race. You will be entering the acceptance ring. When you get to the point of meeting the parents, there will be some pre-conceived notions about you that you will hopefully prove wrong. I have seen black women who bash their race when they begin dating interracially, remember you're dating because of love, not hate. If you constantly see your new relationship as a color issue, that will also hinder your ability to fall completely in love. I will admit, I am more aware of being black when I'm the only one in the crowd, but I also remember we are all human, when you take away the outer layer we really are all the same. We as humans want the same thing, happiness. The human experience may vary because of race, but that is something people have MADE and issue, if we'd just accept each other as people the world would be oh so different. But I digress. You're dating interacially and there are things you will probably need to over come so that you can completely slip into your happiness.

For many years, black woman have been almost single handily been responsible for carrying on the black race. So when we decide to date interracially we tend to feel as though we are betraying our race. There is nothing wrong with wanting a dedicated mate, someone you can grow old with, and if your situation has not given you that through your own race please don't feel afraid to open your world. And by situation I mean work, where you live, your expectations for your mate, etc. Online dating sites such as Afro Romance http://www.afroromance.com/, specialize in connecting black women with interracial relationships. I personally have found men of other races have no problem approaching me, even being pretty bold. It has been my own personal decision to ignore the advances. So that's why I say, personal reflection will be needed so that you do not have any personal issues interfering your new relationships.

I'd like to hear some of your opinions on dating interracially, how has it effected you and your search for happiness.

Happy Dating!

The Blame Game

I've had many discussions with men and women about our experiences and how we got to where we are right now. And let me start off by saying there are plenty of beautiful families out there, supporting each other, loving each other. When things go wrong, no one wants to take the blame, its a natural part of our existence. Have you ever seen a toddler lie? Seeing such a young being do something so naturally is amazing. It seems to be embedded in us to keep a squeaky clean slate no matter the cost.



The current situation between the black man and black woman relationship has a long history, and whenever there is a question as to why black men do this or black women do that, there is a huge part of the spectrum that is forgotten. So as a part of this series, we will be taking you back, through our history starting with our African Ancestors and taking you through the complete journey of the black family. It is important before fingers are pointed, before opinions are dismissed and facts are stated that we all know where we came from and that we all know that there cannot be a reaction without there first being action.

Looks can be deceiving

Sisters, have you ever been standing in a public place and have heard these words, "Smile, you look so angry" Or had a co-worker admit they fear you? In the past things like this would make me angry. But as I get older, my blood tends to boil less. Mainly because the simple fact is I don't have a chip to carry. Why should I be angry knowing what my ancestors went through. Hearing the stories my grandmother told me of abuse in the home and racial abuse she endured out side the home. Thinking about how my great grandparents weren't allowed to go to school and died not being able to read and here I am with a degree and a career at 25, who am I to be so angry? In retrospect, yes I have been disrespected, I'm even a victim of abuse, but I still maintain a smile and a demeanor that I hope reads 'You can't run over me, but you can run to me' I love helping other people, volunteering, and giving back. So when I'm accosted by another person I take a step back. Think, and unless hands are placed (I still have my limits) I'm able to walk away, because I know that in my life I get what I give.

Now, sharing my outlook on life with you, I will say this. There is an unforgiving prejudice against black women. Yup I said it. I've been accused of being boiling hot with anger while simply waiting for a cup of coffee. Those words "smile, don't look so mad!" Now that makes me mad. I'm not angry, and I'm just standing, do I really need to look like the Cheshire cat 24 hours a day? Really? I've been called a Bitch at work, by my boss! And I didn't say a word, now is that something a bitch would do? These were the words "oh, she can handle the job, she's good at being the bitch." Now I had several choices, and I chose to say "ok" I nodded my head at the extremely misguided compliment (some people just don't listen to themselves when they talk) and making it a personal goal to start my own company and succeed so I wouldn't have to deal with things like this. I've had my white counterparts, to my face, say "we're scared of you" or "don't mess with her" in that tone that says, 'she's a loose cannon, god only knows what she will do'. Now people, is that fair? I mean really. I don't go up to a white women and say "oh my god, let me read that for you, I know you're a dumb blond" I wouldn’t say to my co worker "woah, I don't mess with Bob, he might put me into slavery" Now, in my personal experience, when people of other races are backed into a corner, with ignorant alienating comments, and they defend themselves they get a pat on the back. But when a woman like myself even answers back, it’s considered violent and angry. I find myself compromising my own integrity just so I'm not stereotyped. When I have the right to speak on something, I'm completely in a place to voice my opinion, I stifle myself, just so my coworkers don't fear me, or that brother in public doesn't look at me with that "that’s why I wouldn't date someone like you" stare. Let anyone else do the exact same thing and it is completely acceptable, in fact they might just get a promotion or a wedding ring.

I've never raised my hand in violence. I don't raise my voice, and I enjoy a rational conversation where conflict is resolved, perhaps if you had just assumed I'm a human being, and not some angry Tasmanian devil, you might have known that. I'd give the shirt off my back, and I have, and I personally know hundreds of women who look just like me who would do the same. So before you go up to that sister who's standing in line doing nothing, saying nothing, before you assume she's angry and tell her to smile, why don't you say "Hi."

"Keeping it Real"

I don't like knocking anyone down because I know I am not perfect. "I act like lady and yet I think like a man. " [very good book]. Well it seems to me that I am able to hold better conversations with older men than I can with men my own age. Why? I guess older men are more mature and they know where I am coming from. When I try and have a nice conversation with one of my peers, I find out that the conversation doesn't get too far and becomes quiet. Why? Is it because they are scatter brained and all they are thinking about is what my body would look like if my clothes were off? I can barely keep eye contact, so that means two things one they aren't interested and they are just having a conversation so that i can give them my number or two they hear everything I am saying but are not looking into my eyes because it's too personal and uncomfortable? Another thing that I have noticed is that my peers are not gentlemen. I hear my peers picking up young woman by saying words like "A", "Baby" "Hey" "You over there" "Hey girl". But I hear "excuse me miss" back when I was eighteen when R&B gave them a little bit of pick up lines to young girls. Now, they don't even use pick up they say "A". "What's yo Name". Overreacting? Maybe? Keeping it real... always.

Why do black men date white women? Blog talk radio

I found this radio show and felt I should share it.

This will be part one of the series in this big pink elephant in the room.

Why do black men date white women? This common and controversial topic will be discussed by Eathan and his guest, life coach, Cathy Hill. This will be a great discussion for everyone.

He plays a long song in the beginning, but once you get past the song its an interesting take on the topic.