Tuesday, July 7, 2009

"When I never can say goodbye goes wrong"

So, I have always noticed my habit of trying to be a fixer of everything. I try to fix many things that are outside of my control. I now realize I am not responsible for what is not in my control. I see the power in goodbyes as well. I think life is like a closet that is constantly empties out sometimes and refills. I can hold what works for me, and I can let go of what is not working out for me. I think many women try so often to be fixers. I think society as a large still has a lot to do with this kind of thought process. I valued myself based on others approval. Now I know our contentment is tied to those we love, but guess what, it should not be tied to folks who do not care for us. I mean care, like, love etc... the main point is that if folks who could give a rats ass about you are irrelevent, it is not your job to fix that problem. Even more so, I see how each day does have meaning and purpose. Some days we just chill as well, and hey this is cool too! but why waste time doing anything that brings you down or takes UP SPACE. I had a lot of mental space to release this year. This space was associates, friends, and even some family. Does this mean I do not give a crap about anyone but myself? No, it does not. I value community service, social justice, God ...blah blah blah...but as a black woman, a woman, mother, and just HUMAN BEING, I deserve my safe space, where I can go to when I come home from work, or when I am tired, or just because... I deserve this space in my mind, body, soul actions, and in my personal relationships, even more statistically women of color have many chronic disease as a result of this baggage that is sometimes , and most of the time not ours faults.....and I am finding that clearing out nothingness gives me time to fill my life with purpose, not just when it comes to work, and my family, but my mind and soul, even if it is just to relax, I focus my energy on this more, I stay away from family, associates or eligible single men who want to make me feel this nothingness, or go out of their way to oppress my hope and energy in a sneaky way...... so sometimes, these goodbyes, can open up our lives to a more lasting hello each day...