Liars, and Tigers, and Hoes! OH MY!

So I've waited for a while to write about this one on purpose. I wanted to see how it will play out, I remember watching the morning news for a few days and thinking, my god he had a car accident leave the man alone! But it has clearly turned out to be a deeper and darker issue with our beloved blasian golfer. His squeaky clean persona and papa pleasing career has landed him in the top 10 black men in my book (he's black even if he won't admit it) and I feel like there are alot of issues that have led up to his personal unraveling.

Here are 5 good points that both defend Tiger and could make him hang his head in shame

1) The politics behind being a multi millionaire black male in sports. Basketball players and Football players have been proof is this issue for decades. There is a certain politic when it comes to black men and sports. I'm a conspiracy theorist to the max and when I see the black men running around after a ball headed by their white coach, well I can only refer to one point in history where that was okay, but alot of people might think I'm digging too deep on that one... fine! But breaking barriers in a sport like golf comes with great consequences for a black man. First off he must live up to the image of his peers, this means blending in as much as possible, even if it means at times not acknowledging either of the two races that make you you. His choice of marrying and raising a family will be scrutinized not matter what, his black wife would be scrutinized, his asian wife would be scrutinized, and his white wife as well. But as always when a black man is "successful" the safest choice for a mate is a white woman, afterall that will mean she's not a gold digger right? (hmmm how much is Elin standing to gain from this marriage?) When will our men realize it doesnt matter what race of woman you marry, most of them will simply see dollar signs. Now lets say she really loved the guy, i don't know them personally so, lets say this was truly her prince charming, her white counter parts are taking pride in pointing their fingers at the woman that tried to save the animalistic man that can't keep it in his pants. Lets face it, thats what black men are best known for anyway? A man of his stature, and with his sexual issues simply needs to stay single... why do you think Oprah will never get married? She knows the deal.

2) Money money money. This athlete stands to lose alot based simply on his image. So why oh why didnt he think about that when he was bending over a random waitress? Why can't these men really think? I mean really? There has to be a certain point in a mans life when the lightbulb comes on right? Wrong, and he has proven that. Now he's on a race to save his fortune from his wife, and save his endorsements who want a clean, family man on their roster. And what do these "mistresses" get? A chance to go down in the Hoe hall of fame.

3) Children don't make your image. Sometimes in the entertainment and sports industry a sick thing happens, the public figure needs to have a kid to keep their image. It's not really anything new, and isnt an unknown issue. Rather its through adoption to keep up with the Pitts, or having a kid within a PR marriage, the public figures of this country need to hold themselves accountable for bringing children into truly screwed up situations. If he really has a sex addition he should be ashamed of himself for having children, looking at the timeline it was possible he was cheating on his wife during her pregnancy, which to me is the ultimate disrespect a man can show towards his wife.

4) The race war. Tiger has gotten some flack from the beginning because of the color of his skin, its America, it's normal, people are screwed in the head. So would this be as big an issue if his wife were black? Hearing about the other golfers turning their backs on him, when they probably have their little candy girl on the side as well doesnt sit right with me. Calling him a fake, and the man that introduced the two saying he knew Tiger was fake, then why would you hook him up?! If you know someone is sticking his d#@& in every hole on the golf course, then don't introduce him to your gal pals. We are in the age of Obama and you can't have too many good black male images in the media, we gotta mix it up a little, thanks Tiger for reminding us our men need alot of work! (thats sarcasm)

5) Self control. Sex addition is a crock. I'm sorry, I know there are people out there rocking back and forth saying oh my god I need to do it now with anyone! But give me a break, there are way too many classified, medicated addictions and vices that simply center around a lack of self control. His father seemed like a loving and caring man that would be disappointed to have a son that simply didn't think. I dont buy any kind of addiction story.

Do African American women have to give up more to be with someone?

Okay, we already know some of the grime statistics of finding a African American male partner. If we also try to date outside our race, we also have to sometimes face racism there as well. I do think that dating outside our background is important because we are all people regardless of color. However, the bigger issue of value and racism comes to mind when I think of how much I may have to give up to be with someone. I am limited in my choices. Yes, I can overcome these limitations and I do believe with faith( and acts of courage) I can find my true partner. Nonetheless, if I am a fish and dating is my sea..... how do I create a boundary between being to eager to swim in okay waters when I can have some better waters....does this makes sense? A stereotype that comes to my mind is the angry " ghetto" screaming black woman. This stereotype is the representation of how historically and even presently we are all put into a box of inequality as women of color. We are put into a box of racism and sexism all at the same the time. I also think African American communities have a huge division when it comes to class. Many of us in higher positions either want to forget racism exists or we want to justify why many blacks have bad life outcomes. Alright, so with all this said, we have to be careful to not settle for just anything. Sometimes our expectations are very low. The media or mainstream people will want us to believe that " educated" black women have too high of standards and this is why we are single. I am sorry, the reality is we are mules to our black men and sometimes cartoons to non-black men. Many of our black men have sold us out. In California I rarely will see a black man push a stroller for a black woman. A friend of mine told me how in the mid Atlantic is so easy to see a black man with a black baby? The real solution is not for us to be angry, that will never ever help, but we must also remain hopeful. I heard another woman say that "all men cheat", now the media may show every famous black man sticking his love everywhere but that is not necessarily true for ALL black men. We must still expect a man to not cheat, we must still expect a man to support us with his heart, we must expect him to not be perfect, but we can expect him to be a soldier for us and to protect us ....because that is what we do deserve like every other woman. We also have to guard our hearts, what a burden? we are exploited, and this is the reality, a man who knows the social conditions of our situation will have to be a man of his word because we have to guard our bodies and souls. There is a reason we have high HIV rates, single mothers and forms of abuse -------------> racism and sexism. We must speak truths to each other as women as well and not apply the racist stereotypes of causation to our own sisters! If we look at popular culture, we would think being the trash bags to men is normal and it is not. We also have to remember that education does not mean everything, a college educated man can dump you and leave you. In the end, we have to keep our hearts true to our ancestors and ourselves........we are all royalty. We deserve the realist love, a love that will make sure that we do not cry too long, a love that will always want to heal us, a love that will never want to break us, even if we may fight...... there is nothing perfect people, but as black woman I do think we have to straddle the line between loving with all our our hearts like we have done since the beginning of time....and finding the freedom to love, never being scared to fly to where we belong and also to stay where we do belong...

Treating ourselves this holiday season

The holidays are a great time to love our loved ones. Most of us busy motivated women have to also remember to treat ourselves( buy that latte, do our nails, make sure to rest, and take nice walks etc.)Now treating ourselves does equate to just buying an expensive bag( but do this if you want, I know I might if I can LMBO!). It is just so good to reflect about the year . It is a time to think of the good and also the bad. New year resolutions are not just about losing weight and getting a new job, but it can also mean supporting positive growth in the areas that need it the most in our lives. So, for me, I am making this holiday season about connecting with myself and of course with the things that cannot be bought. ..This can give some us even more strength to be what we already are....beautiful women. Let's make 2010 even more beautiful for us and the things we love.....and make sure to treat ourselves well this holiday season, we all deserve it!

Has the feminist movement produced ladymen?

Theres an interesting study being done by the Huffington post on why women aren't happy and it all boils down to women's new roles in society. So this brings forth the question, has the feminist movement produced ladymen? Now ladymen is my word, and could be taken as an insult, but basically the study is focusing on how men are no longer providers, and seem to be lost and confused in the work place etc. and I have definitly noticed this. A major shift in the roles of men seems to be having an adverse effect. Men are no longer responsible for the well being of the home that the woman takes care of, the responsibility is shared and now is leaning more on the woman's shoulders. Men are becoming "manny's", stay at home fathers, and taking jobs that were once considered insulting to a man like nurse, or flight attendant, or teachers. Could this great shift in gender roles come back to bite us in the butt? Apparently the effects are already showing in women now, higher stress levels, disappointment, lack of sexual desire towards their partners, and so on.

So heres the question ladies. Should we be the breadwinners? Even though we scream independent woman! i got my own this... i got my own that... why do we get upset when taking care of a man?

read about the study at the huffingtonpost.com

A good book to read

Press Release: Author Opens Taboo dialogue about fatherless homes


Self published author Lavita Stokes has released her first novel about the effects of a fatherless home. The book is a great read and can be purchased through her website at http://www.afatherslovebook.com/

Selling her virginity

Sigh, watching Tyra today and one of the most annoying stories I've watched in a long time. This "virgin" is selling her virginity to the highest bidder. First of all, who would believe she's a virgin? I mean honestly look at her. Now she says her main purpose in doing this is to empower women and show people that women are being discriminated against. She keeps saying she's looking for someone with chemistry and she's not necessarily going to give her virginity to the highest bidder. I don't know, I think she's a prostitute that's getting too much attention. Her plan is to use the money to pay for school. She's a coward that's taking the easy way out. If all women did this we'd all be rich because face it, men ARE going to pay for it, rather it's in cash or dinner and a movie, or a house. So it's up to women to set the price. But my point is this money hungry sorry but ho, is selling something that we only get one chance to give up and I'm angry because I'm torn, there are plenty of virginity horror stories where the woman walks away with nothing more than a five minute burst of confusion. So is this a better way to get rid of your virginity? Is she a ho or a smart business woman. Mind you the highest bidder is now at 3.8 million dollars.

Jon and Kate plus Hate

I don't like talking about this one, but it's been in the forefront to the media for months and at this point is unavoidable. I was watching John Gosselin's latest embarrassing moment when he was sitting next to a Jewish rabbi who apparently is now counseling him. He says he apologizes to Kate and hopes for forgiveness... fine... he then goes on to say it is difficult for a man to be expected to stay home for two years and change diapers and stuff when he expected his wife to do it.


UH WHAT???? What man in his right mind is going to drop 8 kids, and he did drop them because last time I checked they were married and she didn't decide to have children alone, expects his wife to do everything alone? For gods sake it's 8 kids, 8! One is tiring enough. When he said this outof place and chauvinistic remark my jaw dropped. This manchild has 8 children and he's running around like a spoiled rich kid that doesn't have a kid (oops i mean care) in the world. If he wasn't ready for children everyone outside his head is the last to know. Its not like his children were one night stand mistakes, they took planning and thousands of dollars to fertility doctors to have those children, so why is he shocked by the responsibility that follows having a large family? His actions in the media have shocked me and both parents are setting their children up for disaster.

He is a classic example of a deadbeat dad and a good example of how not to be a father. Now I'm sure he loves his children, but if he had half a brain he would know having a large family was going to be a full time and hopefully fulfilling job that he should be thankful to do because they are HIS offspring. I didn't know I'd have to change diapers... what an idiot!

Good hair? So they SAY they like it natural

Ok, I did a nice little experiment with my hair recently. In light of Chris Rock's new movie (which I'm taking my time to see, might just be a blockbuster night, and I have my reasons for that!) But I digress, for the past six months or so I've been wearing my hair in kinky twist, with some extra hair for length. Loving the look, and the ease for me. I do my own hair, including braiding extensions and braids are more tiresome to do than kinky twist. Last year after perming and cutting my hair to a Rihanna cut after 5 years of natural, I decided I wanted my nice healthy curly hair back (I see why I havent done dreads, I change my damn mind too much), so in a few more years I'll be satisfied, maybe, lol.

I've got a nice fro going on outside the twist, it's actually quite large and seems to draw some unwanted attention when I wear it. I look a bit like Angela Davis with it, and I for certain get treated differently when I wear it out. I never hear the word "sista" as much as when I'm froing it. My best friend is wearing her fro, and I'm seeing them out more and more. My boyfriend says he loves the fro, and prefers it. So a few weeks ago I decided to take out the twist, fro it up for a bit. And I noticed a little shift in his attraction to me. It was weird and I could tell it was because of the fro. I don't want to get into too many details (you can pretty much guess) but after I put my twist back in that attraction seemed to come back. Now ladies, wtf could be going on here? He SAYS he likes it natural, loves the fro, but prefers the twist with extra hair? I haven't mentioned it to him because I can see it is purely subconscious. Are men that love sista's conditioned to say they like certain things, when they really want what everyone else is going after? Most of the women in that movie are avid weave-wearears and perm-getters. Is our hair still taboo? What do you do when the man you're with says one thing, but his subconscious actions speak perm and weave volumes? Ahhhhhhh why is this still an issue????!!!! I just want to shave it all off.

Been a while but I'm back.... with My Traveling Hoe

It has been a while... I have been busy with school and work but now I am back. Yes I am back. & I am officially grown as people say. My birthday was two weeks ago and I am now 21 years old. Being 21 has made me realize a lot of things; 1. I am getting old 2. I need to finish school 3. I still want to have kids before I am 26. I set that age back because at first I didn't want to wait till I was 24. But now I pushing it back to two years. But I am also learning that things don't always happen as planned. Lately I have been talking to much older guys. I now refuse to date anyone under my age, I prefer 24, 25 and up. But it's very interesting because I remember i one of my old posts I had said that I thought older men were more mature and don't necessarily play games. The mature part is true but playing games is worse. Older men are just way better at the game than younger men are. Recently I was at school and I stumbled across a nice looking man. I don't want to put him out their but he was not bad looking he was dark-skinned, clean cut, tall, and had a great smile. So, I meet him at school, he was their doing petitioning for his job I assume, and he asked for my number and I said well I filled out my name and number on the application and if you really want to talk to me give me a ring. Which he did two days later. So on and on we have been talking, he seems like a genuine guy, but something started getting fishy because he was too genuine, you know that saying if it's good to be true than he probably is... Well I have come up with an assumption that he might be secretly married, now don't get me wrong I am not judging, overreacting, but their was something too perfect about this guy to actually be a man. lol I came up with this conclusion just a few weeks ago, he would do little things like call me early in the morning or late at night, Mainly TEXT. Or their was a time which I laugh at whenever I think about it. He had told me he was in his bed laying down relaxing we was talking for a while than their was noise which sounded like someone was getting into the car, but He said that it was his alarm and he would call me right back. Than recently he told me he was renting out a room by a woman who wasn't charging him as much (HINT), I was like okay I guess, so I let him talk more just to hear what else he had to say than he told me that the woman he was staying with let's him use her car. (RED FLAG). I don't know about y'all but to me if a woman is going to let a grown man live with her for cheap rent so to say and let him use her car, he has to be sleeping with her. I mean unless they are play brother play sister, or really good friends. He doesn't even know this woman and kept telling me that she was just being nice. I, personally would never do that just because a lot of men today seem to have this theory that woman are supposed to take care of them like they are still babies. lol I find it very funny. I keep telling myself why do I keep talking to this guy when I know he's a liar, and I'm pretty sure he is married or has a girlfriend or whatever. That's when I came to the conclusion, My handsome crush of a man is unfortunately a traveling hoe. Now what is traveling hoe. A traveling hoe is a man who goes from city to city or state to state, feeds young woman(by the way he's 27) all their bullshit game about being this perfect guy who doesn't do anything wrong into falling for their bullshit lies. Than down the line, he gets whatever he wants; sex, money, whatever and than disappears but still calls you from time to time. What does every else think?

An ex love lost.....

What happens when your ex whom you were fighting to get a divorce from dies?
Today I found out my ex husband has passed away. Technically we were still married but we were in a long process of getting our divorce. He was out of the country and due to our great nation no military person can be served divorce papers while on a mission. We hadn't seen each other since 3 months after our marriage in 2006 but for some reason the pain of this loss is still there. Why?

For years all I thought about was what pain he had put me through at the time of our separation and what a jerk he was but now that he is no longer around or present here in body and mind I see all the good times we had. This is a problem for me. I don't know why I feel this sadness because I can't even get a clear vision of what he looks like in my head. But I can still smell him, I can still feel his touch, and hear his voice telling me "Thats what I was missing." as he grabbed me in his arms after he was away for a few weeks.

I think it was easier to let him go when there was actually someone to let go. I never wanted him to be hurt and I never wanted anything bad to happen to him. Ok maybe a wish of something here and there may have appeared during an angry moment in our seperation but damn!

My point to writing this is to let all of you know to appreciate what you have. You may have someone who isn't doing exactly what you want them to do at that exact time or you may not be talking to someone you were close to for years over something that seemed to be big at the time but has now faded with the thought of "What were we mad about?" and the ill feelings from your pride is still proving to exist. All I can say to this is reach for happiness, reach for the good times that were spent, reach for the love that was felt and call that person and forgive. Look to the one in which whom you thought the love had faded and search for the love you still have for them within and show them.
Now I don't have a chance to call and talk about what happened, now I don't have the pleasure to say I forgive you, please forgive me.
I'm not saying to forget if you were hurt, all I'm saying is....forgive.

A white homecoming queen at a HBCU? Is this a problem

What do you ladies think? Initially I do not think it is an issue, but perhaps historically some of us black people have had class, skin color and education divide us at HBCU's so this may just add fuel to a past fire? ( I did not attend an HBCU so I can't speak on this). Perhaps we can also be racist towards other people, race is not real, however culture and shared experiences do connect us as" black people". So, my big question is I wonder if this a media attempt to make blacks look racist?

http://http://www.trentonian.com/articles/2009/10/15/news/doc4ad692211779d813880636.txt

Lift as we climb

There is a saying for women that we must life as we climb......now what does this mean to us. As women of color are we the worst critics of ourselves? This week I have heard many conversations where women of color attack other women of color for issues such as single motherhood, being the reason why men cheat, being single, economics and the list goes on. When will we learn to heal each other so the next generation can move forward. I sometimes think it is a rat race where we all want to be like the cosby show and if you don't make the cut with education and marriage you are excluded. We will protect some of the ill behaviors of some black man at all costs but leave our own sisters like meat to be devoured. We will blame these black women for the economic, social and political problems we face in America as black people(many new problems of these past 25 years). You are not able to dress up a pig and call it something else, it is still a pig, but maybe we need to start using love, community and change to transform these problems in our community., we need to be women of restoration using the truth to love and to dream....instead we bring out the old whip like the ol masta and further enslave our minds with self hate, self doubt, and uselessness, how can you plant the seeds of new growth without grace and of course with good honesty as well, what happened to true sisterhood? If anything, maybe this lack of sisterhood itself further leaves us excluded and we play into the hands of those with ill will who want to exploit us further by applying these non truths about real life situations.....